[ Not believing you're gonna die is what gets you killed. He'd known his future when she said those words. It might not be his death that he's aware of, but it will be the death of the life he's worked so hard to build. She can't even begin to imagine the struggle it must have been for him to come to terms with it all — to accept that trying to change the outcome will only make it worse. He has to live each day knowing it's bringing him closer to his fate; she'd only had to ensure the past remained unchanged.
Sniffling quietly, she unwraps a hand from her mug to wipe her cheek where a tear has escaped. She refuses to lose control of her emotions completely. Refuses. ]
Perhaps not. But his death is. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he would be reckless, and that she would— [ Another tear slips out and she scrubs it away as well, the action almost violent. ] Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Earth Fleet starship Enterprise. He died in my arms, protecting a timeline he wouldn't get to see and a version of the brother he'd lost.
[ And every time she sees the James Kirk of their universe, her heart races and is shredded to bits all over again. It's ridiculous for his death to affect her more than the ramifications of the decision she'd been forced to make... but it does. She shatters into pieces every time she wakes up and remembers all over again and she doesn't know if that will ever stop.
Is there any timeline in which she isn't one of the walking wounded, doomed to a life full of tragedy and loss? ]
[That explained some things, her reaction to seeing Jim Kirk and the entire history between them that only La’an knew. It has to be like losing him all over again every time he looked at her without that recognition.
Pike didn’t know what to say. Actually, he knew that there was nothing he could say in this moment. This was likely the first time she’d told anyone about this, the first time she’d voiced any of this out loud, and no combination of words, regardless of how true they might be, would change what she was feeling in this moment. And maybe she didn’t need to have her feelings changed right now. Later they could work on the way she thought about herself and the situation but Pike had a sense that right now she needed to feel all of this.
So he did the only thing that he could think of, the only thing that he thought might give her any sort of comfort, and leaned forward to wrap and arm around her and pull her close for a hug. She was hanging on by a thread emotionally but she didn’t need to keep hanging on. Like was here, he had her, and he wasn’t going to let go of her because they were in this moment together.]
[ It turns out a hug is all that's needed to break La'an Noonien-Singh. Who would have thought? How could anyone have possibly guessed that a simple act of human kindness would be her undoing? At least she can rest assured that the captain will never use this information against her. But break her it does, the warmth and concern of a friend tipping her over the edge into the deep precipice of grief that is always within her.
Her free arm returns the embrace, wrapping around Chris as she turns to better face him. There's still a mug in her other hand, so some part of her mind is occupied with keeping it level so she doesn't spill it on the man offering her comfort, but despite the bit of awkwardness... it's perfect. So rarely does she have contact like this, always keeping herself apart from others whether physically or emotionally, that she clings to him like the world is ending.
And perhaps, for them, it is. For this moment in time, they can set aside the burden of hiding the pain of these they can't share with anyone else. More tears slip down her cheeks and her voice trembles as she quietly asks the most important question she can think of. ]
How do you do it? How do you keep moving forward each day despite it all?
[Pike just held her like that, letting her sink into his embrace and their shared sorrow. He hoped that she could tell he was getting just as much out of this as she was, that he needed someone to vent his burden to as well. As much as he'd come to terms with it the knowledge of it still weighed heavily on him. If nothing else he was glad that it helped him understand La'an's position better, that it let her open up to him and start some of that work to move through what had happened as much as anyone could.]
I don't. I don't move forward despite it, I move forward because of it. Because all that sorrow and grief is just love that doesn't have it's proper place to go. And eventually you find other places to put that love or the memory of the love starts to overpower those feelings of sorrow. It will always be a part of you, but it's a memorial to something that was wonderful.
[ She should have guessed that's what he would say. If she's learned anything about Captain Christopher Pike, it's that he cares deeply and isn't afraid to let people know it. Which isn't to say that following his counsel will be easy... but she will try. Nodding her understanding of his words, she presses her chin into his shoulder for a moment before loosening her hold on him and slowly pulling back. ]
Thank you, Chris. For the advice, and for... [ How can she put into words the gift he's given her? His friendship is a gift in itself, but this is so much more than that. And then, because it's the second most important question: ] May I ask, how long?
[ How long until they lose him and he loses the life he loves? ]
Long enough that you’re stuck with me for a while long.
[He gave her a smile and reach up to gently brush away a few of the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. He didn’t think that she was done crying over this but he thought she might be done now.
And he wasn’t about to burden her with any sort of timetable or knowledge about how close he was to the event. He appreciated her asking and just knowing she knew was enough for him.]
And listen, when it happens, I want you to know that every day for the rest of my life I’ll know that I saved the life of a person who was worth going through that for. And an entire Federation of people will know a measure of peace they wouldn’t otherwise. I also want you to remember who we should really feel sorry for right now.
[One of the best parts of being a captain was that you got to talk in enigmatic riddles under the guise of making people think outside the box.]
[ He doesn't want her to know the specifics, and she'll have to respect that. She doesn't like it, La'an has always been someone who gathers information and plans accordingly, but she'll respect his wishes. And just because she doesn't know how long a while is doesn't mean she can't start planning now. Already, she's considering ways to nudge the scientists and medical personnel to stay current on research regarding such serious injuries, as well as doing their own explorations of new treatments as they expand relations with other species across the galaxy. If she can't do something to save him from this fate, then she'll do everything she can to help him get through what comes after.
She owes him that much and more.
Furrowing her brow slightly, she considers the riddle for a few seconds before hazarding a guess with what seems a very Pike-like answer. ] The crewpersons who don't have fresh-baked brownies to console them after they've cried on their captain?
[Pike could see the gears turning in her head how she could respect his wishes but still do everything she could for him. Honestly he expected nothing less and as long as she let him do what he needed to do… well the rest of that was up to her. He had no knowledge of what “needed” to happen after that. When she gave her answer to his riddle though he gave a little chuckle.]
No, but good guess. I was thinking of the James Kirk of our time. He was in a relationship with one of the most selfless, courageous, brilliant, and beautiful people I’d ever met and he has no idea. Missed out on one of the greatest experiences in life. And I can’t imagine how much it hurts that he doesn’t remember but he doesn’t have that. I know if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to forget having that with someone like you, La’an.
[ A relationship. What she'd shared with James couldn't even really be called that, they'd only just started, and who knows what it might have become, but... Deep down, she knows she was in love with him. Still is. Another tragic note in her life's story: she's in love with a man who never should have existed.
Her throat tightens with emotions at Chris's words and a fresh wave of tears threatens to break loose; she only just manages to hold them back. It's a beautiful sentiment that she doesn't have the slightest idea how to respond to, so she skirts around his kind words about her until she knows what to do with them. ]
He's one of the only people I've ever met who didn't recognize my name and judge me for my family's legacy. When he looked at me, he just saw me. Not a victim of the Gorn or an augmented monster, just... me. The real me. [ She looks down at her lap, at the cooling mug of coffee she hasn't yet touched. ] I'll never be able to thank him for that. For showing me the person I had the potential to become.
[ Taking a deep breath, she tilts her head back to look up at the ceiling, her eyes growing red and puffy from her crying. ] I suppose by your accounting, we should feel sorry for this James Kirk for never being able to know that version of me.
I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t give you know you outside of all of those things but the La’an I know? I couldn’t think higher of her. When I think of you it’s of someone that cares as deeply for this crew as I do. That Spock would steal this ship to rescue. And I’m forever indebted to the James Kirk you knew for showing a friend I care very much about how much potential she has and how special she is.
[Pike didn’t think that anything would truly take away the pain of what had happened to her and what she’d been robbed of. It was an especially cruel twist of fate that had shown her something like that then taken it away. Pike hoped that someday thought that La’an could have that again and in the meantime he hoped he could show her that the La’an she felt everyone else saw? That La’an was absolutely amazing.]
Because the La’an I know deserves all those wonderful things too. That’s one of the reasons she gets brownies.
[ It is part of command training to know how to boost the morale of each member of your crew, or is that a skill specific to one Christopher Pike? She's never met anyone quite like him. Even when she'd admitted to lying by omission during their first mission together, he'd found a way to offer her advice and hope with a simple anecdote and a place on his ship. It was a day that changed her life more than any other since her colony ship was captured. If anyone had tried to tell her just how much being onboard the Enterprise would change her for the better, she's not sure she would have believed them. ]
You really are quite excellent at these pep talks, you know. [ She looks over at him with a small, slightly watery but completely genuine smile. And then, after much ado, she selects a brownie, picking it up to take a small bite. Chewing carefully, she savors the flavor for a moment before her smile grows. ] And these are far more than just adequate. They're delicious.
[Pike wasn't sure that he was anything special when it came to boosting the morale of his crew. If anyone asked him he would have perhaps admitted to being able to see the best in people but from that point it was just about getting them to see that about themselves. Also, he was a very good cook.]
It comes from making a lot of mistakes and having to give myself pep talks.
[He watched as he tried the brownie, genuinely interested to hear what she thought. He was fairly certain that they were going to be good but confirmation was nice.]
Well good, I'm glad I've got the recipe down now.
the wait for more of them on our screens is going to be brutal
[ One of the things she's always appreciated about the captain is that, despite his position and esteemed career, he never shies away from admitting that he's made mistakes in the past. There is no act of imperiousness or superiority, only attempts to impart hard-won wisdom and advice whenever he can. He's one of the best men she's ever met, and she's proud to serve under him.
That he has incredible skill in the kitchen is just an added bonus to being part of his crew. Since returning to the Enterprise, La'an takes full advantage of every opportunity to eat Chris's cooking, especially breakfast foods. Now, she'll apparently need to keep dessert on the list of things not to be missed. ]
You absolutely have. [ She's quiet for a moment, her smile slipping just slightly before she offers him her heartfelt gratitude. ] Thank you, Chris. For caring. And... for sharing with me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Sniffling quietly, she unwraps a hand from her mug to wipe her cheek where a tear has escaped. She refuses to lose control of her emotions completely. Refuses. ]
Perhaps not. But his death is. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he would be reckless, and that she would— [ Another tear slips out and she scrubs it away as well, the action almost violent. ] Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Earth Fleet starship Enterprise. He died in my arms, protecting a timeline he wouldn't get to see and a version of the brother he'd lost.
[ And every time she sees the James Kirk of their universe, her heart races and is shredded to bits all over again. It's ridiculous for his death to affect her more than the ramifications of the decision she'd been forced to make... but it does. She shatters into pieces every time she wakes up and remembers all over again and she doesn't know if that will ever stop.
Is there any timeline in which she isn't one of the walking wounded, doomed to a life full of tragedy and loss? ]
no subject
[That explained some things, her reaction to seeing Jim Kirk and the entire history between them that only La’an knew. It has to be like losing him all over again every time he looked at her without that recognition.
Pike didn’t know what to say. Actually, he knew that there was nothing he could say in this moment. This was likely the first time she’d told anyone about this, the first time she’d voiced any of this out loud, and no combination of words, regardless of how true they might be, would change what she was feeling in this moment. And maybe she didn’t need to have her feelings changed right now. Later they could work on the way she thought about herself and the situation but Pike had a sense that right now she needed to feel all of this.
So he did the only thing that he could think of, the only thing that he thought might give her any sort of comfort, and leaned forward to wrap and arm around her and pull her close for a hug. She was hanging on by a thread emotionally but she didn’t need to keep hanging on. Like was here, he had her, and he wasn’t going to let go of her because they were in this moment together.]
no subject
Her free arm returns the embrace, wrapping around Chris as she turns to better face him. There's still a mug in her other hand, so some part of her mind is occupied with keeping it level so she doesn't spill it on the man offering her comfort, but despite the bit of awkwardness... it's perfect. So rarely does she have contact like this, always keeping herself apart from others whether physically or emotionally, that she clings to him like the world is ending.
And perhaps, for them, it is. For this moment in time, they can set aside the burden of hiding the pain of these they can't share with anyone else. More tears slip down her cheeks and her voice trembles as she quietly asks the most important question she can think of. ]
How do you do it? How do you keep moving forward each day despite it all?
no subject
I don't. I don't move forward despite it, I move forward because of it. Because all that sorrow and grief is just love that doesn't have it's proper place to go. And eventually you find other places to put that love or the memory of the love starts to overpower those feelings of sorrow. It will always be a part of you, but it's a memorial to something that was wonderful.
no subject
Thank you, Chris. For the advice, and for... [ How can she put into words the gift he's given her? His friendship is a gift in itself, but this is so much more than that. And then, because it's the second most important question: ] May I ask, how long?
[ How long until they lose him and he loses the life he loves? ]
no subject
Long enough that you’re stuck with me for a while long.
[He gave her a smile and reach up to gently brush away a few of the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. He didn’t think that she was done crying over this but he thought she might be done now.
And he wasn’t about to burden her with any sort of timetable or knowledge about how close he was to the event. He appreciated her asking and just knowing she knew was enough for him.]
And listen, when it happens, I want you to know that every day for the rest of my life I’ll know that I saved the life of a person who was worth going through that for. And an entire Federation of people will know a measure of peace they wouldn’t otherwise. I also want you to remember who we should really feel sorry for right now.
[One of the best parts of being a captain was that you got to talk in enigmatic riddles under the guise of making people think outside the box.]
no subject
She owes him that much and more.
Furrowing her brow slightly, she considers the riddle for a few seconds before hazarding a guess with what seems a very Pike-like answer. ] The crewpersons who don't have fresh-baked brownies to console them after they've cried on their captain?
no subject
[Pike could see the gears turning in her head how she could respect his wishes but still do everything she could for him. Honestly he expected nothing less and as long as she let him do what he needed to do… well the rest of that was up to her. He had no knowledge of what “needed” to happen after that. When she gave her answer to his riddle though he gave a little chuckle.]
No, but good guess. I was thinking of the James Kirk of our time. He was in a relationship with one of the most selfless, courageous, brilliant, and beautiful people I’d ever met and he has no idea. Missed out on one of the greatest experiences in life. And I can’t imagine how much it hurts that he doesn’t remember but he doesn’t have that. I know if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to forget having that with someone like you, La’an.
no subject
Her throat tightens with emotions at Chris's words and a fresh wave of tears threatens to break loose; she only just manages to hold them back. It's a beautiful sentiment that she doesn't have the slightest idea how to respond to, so she skirts around his kind words about her until she knows what to do with them. ]
He's one of the only people I've ever met who didn't recognize my name and judge me for my family's legacy. When he looked at me, he just saw me. Not a victim of the Gorn or an augmented monster, just... me. The real me. [ She looks down at her lap, at the cooling mug of coffee she hasn't yet touched. ] I'll never be able to thank him for that. For showing me the person I had the potential to become.
[ Taking a deep breath, she tilts her head back to look up at the ceiling, her eyes growing red and puffy from her crying. ] I suppose by your accounting, we should feel sorry for this James Kirk for never being able to know that version of me.
no subject
I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t give you know you outside of all of those things but the La’an I know? I couldn’t think higher of her. When I think of you it’s of someone that cares as deeply for this crew as I do. That Spock would steal this ship to rescue. And I’m forever indebted to the James Kirk you knew for showing a friend I care very much about how much potential she has and how special she is.
[Pike didn’t think that anything would truly take away the pain of what had happened to her and what she’d been robbed of. It was an especially cruel twist of fate that had shown her something like that then taken it away. Pike hoped that someday thought that La’an could have that again and in the meantime he hoped he could show her that the La’an she felt everyone else saw? That La’an was absolutely amazing.]
Because the La’an I know deserves all those wonderful things too. That’s one of the reasons she gets brownies.
i just love these two
You really are quite excellent at these pep talks, you know. [ She looks over at him with a small, slightly watery but completely genuine smile. And then, after much ado, she selects a brownie, picking it up to take a small bite. Chewing carefully, she savors the flavor for a moment before her smile grows. ] And these are far more than just adequate. They're delicious.
Me tooooo. Sorry for the late reply!
It comes from making a lot of mistakes and having to give myself pep talks.
[He watched as he tried the brownie, genuinely interested to hear what she thought. He was fairly certain that they were going to be good but confirmation was nice.]
Well good, I'm glad I've got the recipe down now.
the wait for more of them on our screens is going to be brutal
That he has incredible skill in the kitchen is just an added bonus to being part of his crew. Since returning to the Enterprise, La'an takes full advantage of every opportunity to eat Chris's cooking, especially breakfast foods. Now, she'll apparently need to keep dessert on the list of things not to be missed. ]
You absolutely have. [ She's quiet for a moment, her smile slipping just slightly before she offers him her heartfelt gratitude. ] Thank you, Chris. For caring. And... for sharing with me.
[ The brownies, and his secret. ]