rescapee | in another time

[ She wishes she could go back in time again to when they were laughing and smiling together in sickbay. Everything was easier then, even with the crushing weight of what could have been and nearly was. She wants to feel that brush of happiness again, hold it close to etch its memory on her heart. But there is no going back, and she has to face the present just like always. ]

Captain Pike trusted me from the moment he first met me. He trusted my instincts, my expertise. [ There's something in speaking about Chris that has a calming effect on her, a tiny amount of tension easing from her muscles as fondness again threads through her words. ] Even when I kept information from him due to my own distrust, he offered me a commission on the Enterprise. Because of that, this ship has become my home, and her crew, my family. They're the first I've had in a very long time.

[ He'll need to be told about that too. Another peek behind the curtain of what makes her tick. Another chapter in the tragic history of La'an Noonien-Singh. Another opportunity for his opinion of her to change, though she's not as worried about him seeing her as a victim. Surely, he's seen enough to know that she's fully capable despite her past trauma. ]

[ If all that's true, it can't be the context she'd first told him he needed. Why give him this information now, right before they meet with her captain? She could have waited, told him later, once he's had a chance to heal and to settle in, but she didn't. Which means it's related, somehow, to what she has to tell the Captain.

Jim lowers the PADD to the biobed and studies her closely. ]

This is about the name at that black site, isn't it? Your name. This name.

[ He gestures with the PADD, then offers it back to her, wondering. If she hadn't brought him back, and thus needed to explain him to her captain, would she have had to explain about the site at all? The UEF hadn't had any time travel regulations; he's not sure what she might be dealing with in order to do her duty here. ]

[ Beneath all that suave charm and ridiculous humor, he really is an exceptionally intelligent man. She's not at all surprised when he puts the pieces together on his own, connecting dots with what little information he has. Ever since they'd met on his Enterprise, he's rolled with the punches, facing each strange new situation with the same resiliency. With a mind like that, he truly wasn't meant to be a soldier.

Taking a deep breath, she nods and takes the PADD back, holding it behind her back while her head lowers slightly into her usual stance. ]

Yes. The Romulan operative was there to kill Khan in order to prevent the age of enlightenment that followed his atrocities and led to the founding of the Federation. When her plan to destroy the cold fusion reactor failed, she forced me to open the door to where Khan was being held. [ Her expression tightens, betraying just how conflicted she is over what happened only hours ago. ] He was just a little boy.

[ Therein lies the difference between her time and his: in his world, the atrocities never really ended, did they? Humanity destroyed their planet and took their war to the stars, where the Romulans had ensured they would find no allies.

Or want any. He thinks of the Vulcan commander who had hailed Enterprise right before he and La'an found themselves tossed back into time, and feels a confused pang of uncertain regret. Useless, when neither commander nor war exists any longer. And he couldn't have made a different call at the time, even if he'd wanted to.

But the trade-off for saving the human race from the never-ending war that was his time was... what, to save a future despot, a warlord responsible for the deaths of millions of people?

He stares at her as what she's saying sinks in, as he suddenly understands the reason for her worry, her tension. ]

A little boy... who grew up to be a monster. But a monster this timeline needed, in order to exist, right?

[ She'd said it herself. 'Led to the founding of the Federation.' ]

Yes. [ She says it softly, hating how true it was but not being able to deny it. It's why she'd made the choice she had. ] She offered me a chance to live in a timeline where I wasn't hated and feared because of my name. But I couldn't sacrifice the future of humanity just to make my life a little easier.

[ Anxiously shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she changes her stance, crossing her arms tightly in front of her with her shoulders slightly hunched. If she could curl up in a ball and hide from the world for just a little while, she would, but that's simply not an option right now. ]

I killed someone to protect a monster. And I know it needed to happen, the agent from Temporal Investigations made it clear I did the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I condemned thirty million people to die.

I don't see it that way.

[ Part of his reasoning is a little selfish, maybe – he doesn't want to feel like he chose to destroy his whole timeline and everyone in it – but they're human. It's only natural to be a little selfish. ]

You made a choice to spare a child. The man that child became, he made his own choices, La'an. He could have chosen to remember the time someone spared him, and opted for mercy when he had the chance, but he didn't. That's still on him.

[ Jim shakes his head as firmly as he can, while it's against a biobed pillow. His voice, at least, he can make as assertive as if he were standing in front of her, asking her not to block him out with those crossed arms of hers. ] Not on you.

[ Or maybe he remembered the woman who spared him and then left him there, and that's what made him turn away from mercy. She doesn't say those words, but they're carved deep within her, adding to the unbearable weight of guilt she already carries. It's a weight she's learned to live with, though, and for every life she saves, it gets a little lighter. A life saved to atone for a life lost.

For the first time since they started this discussion, La'an looks at James properly, meeting his gaze and taking in that determined face that's both commanding and pleading for her to listen. And she wants to, she really does. Maybe if she pretends long enough, she'll actually believe it one day.

Taking the few steps needed to cross the space between them, she lowers her arms and finally takes his hand. She's so tired, her exhaustion bone-deep, but her expression softens when she feels the warmth of his skin. He's alive and safe because of the choice she made. Maybe that can be enough for now. ]

Thank you. [ For so many things. ]

[ She takes his hand, and he curls his fingers around hers, studying her for a moment before he grins, cheeky. ]

Oh, don't thank me yet. I'm almost definitely going to be an enormous pain in the ass of your Federation. Like I told you before: I'm not sure any universe is big enough for two mes.

[ He's acting the clown for them both, right now: she needs to see it, and he needs to feel it, otherwise he's going to lose the fragile hold he currently has on himself. ]

I ought to be thanking you, in advance. You may wind up regretting bringing me along.

[ It's terrible what that grin does to her. Something flutters to life in her chest and she forgets, for a moment, that he'd been dying in her arms just hours ago. For her to have come so close to losing him and him now cracking jokes like it never happened... It's exactly what she needs. And maybe what he needs too.

There's no holding back her answering smile or the playful exasperation she feels at his antics. But as much of a pain in the ass as he might turn out to be, she wouldn't have it any other way. His intelligence and compassion aren't the only parts of him she finds attractive. ]

I'll never regret it. But fair warning, I might daydream about shoving you in an airlock from time to time.

[ She's joking, of course. Mostly. ]

As long as it's only daydreaming, I'm fine with it.

[ His own daydreams – the good ones – are probably going to be pretty different. He might feel like hell right now, but he's still a man in the prime of his life, and she's gorgeous, brave, brilliant, and loyal.

Not one of his current daydreams is really fit for bringing up when her captain could walk in any second, but he finds them much more pleasant to think about than... anything else. Like how her Enterprise looks like his, but the medical staff are smiling and cheerful, not strained and overworked. You could be an explorer, she'd said, but he doesn't have the first idea how to be anything but a soldier, to be anything other than at war. ]

If they ever let me out into the general populace, maybe you could give me a tour. So I know which airlocks to keep away from.

I'll be sure to mark them on a map for you so you don't forget.

[ She hopes that day comes soon. Seeing him lying there in bed like this is terrible, but she also just desperately wants to show him her time. He might know the Enterprise, but there's so much more. For the first time in... possibly ever, she wants to leave the ship during shore leave so she can show him the galaxy. All the planets humanity has spread to, all the species they've made alliances with. She wants to show him the paradise Earth has become.

The door whooshes open behind her and she turns, smile still in place and her hand still in James's, to see the captain standing in the doorway. ]

Sorry, am I interrupting something? [ There are many in positions of authority who would have layered those words with sarcasm or a snide tone, but not Christopher Pike. There is only genuine concern and curiosity in his voice as he looks between the familiar stranger and his chief of security, his surprise at seeing La'an actually smiling carefully concealed.

La'an gives James's hand a little squeeze before letting go, her hands moving behind her back to stand comfortably at attention. Her expression sobers to her usual seriousness, but there's still something almost lighter about her demeanor that doesn't go unnoticed by her superior officer. ]

Not at all.

[ He waves his newly freed hand, grandiose. ]

Welcome to my current humble abode. Captain Pike, I assume?

[ The other man is tall, and though there's a stern line to his jaw, his keen blue eyes are kind. It's strange to see someone else wearing a Captain's uniform on the Enterprise, but he swallows the pang before it can fully make itself at home in his already extremely sore chest. ]

I'm Captain James T. Kirk, of the UEF Enterprise. I'd have asked for permission to come aboard, but I wasn't exactly at my best when we got here.

Welcome aboard, Captain Kirk. I'm glad to see you doing better now, and I hear you're expected to make a full recovery. [ Pike glances between the two of them, noting the signs of too much stress and too little sleep, and shifts his tone from genial to businesslike. ] But since it looks like you're both in serious need of some rest, we'd best get to it. Lieutenant, you said you had a more detailed explanation forthcoming. Well, lay it on me.

[ With a deep breath and a glance over at James, she nods and begins. From the man who'd died in the ship's hallway to meeting James on the bridge of his Enterprise, from finding themselves in 21st century Toronto to uncovering the Romulans were behind the attack, she describes their steps in great detail. After only a few minutes, she arrives at the true purpose behind their mission, which proves much more difficult to impassionately illustrate. Saving Khan from assassination — she hopes to never have to speak about it with anyone else. Which leads to the final, perhaps most important part. ]

A short time ago, I returned to my quarters and was met by an agent from the Department of Temporal Investigations. From what I gather, they protect the timeline from such incidents, and this isn't the first time someone has tried to alter that particular part of history. Agent Ymalay made it quite clear that while Captain Kirk will be allowed to stay in this time, no one can know the details of what led to him being here. No one beyond the three of us in this room.

Which –

[ He casts La'an a glance, inquisitive, and then continues. ]

Even if your crew is anywhere near the level of mine – and, to be clear, it seems exceptional from what little I've seen – they'll still have questions. Plenty of them at least know of the other Jim Kirk, from my understanding. How are we going to explain having another one around?

[ Pike draws himself up, those keen blue eyes of his keeping a steady watch on them both, his hands tucked behind his back – then shrugs, a little of his previous amiable nature reasserting itself. ]

Wormhole? Tear in the space-time continuum? I think we can probably come up with something.

[ And that's all there is. The simplicity of it threatens to bowl La'an over, when really she should have expected the captain to roll with the punches just like he always does. It's part of why he's so highly regarded within Starfleet, after all, and yet she's still... surprised.

Tension visibly drains out of her, leaving her feeling even more exhausted than before. She isn't quite as empty anymore, though, and she has these two men to thank for that. ]

Thank you, sir.

[ Offering his chief of security a fond smile paired with a concerned furrowed brow, Pike reaches out to set a gentle hand on La'an's shoulder. ] I'm just glad you're safe. We can figure out everything else — after you get some rest. Both of you.

Won't hear me arguing.

[ For once. He has to heal up in order to – well, to do anything at all, and La'an looks exhausted. Little as he wants to say farewell to her, he knows Pike's right. ]

And, Captain Pike...

[ Captain of the Enterprise, in this reality. Pike, not Kirk. He's not sure if that's a favor or not. ]

Thanks.

[ Pike gives the other man a meaningful look and solid nod before turning and leaving the room. When the door swooshes closed behind him, La'an relaxes her stance, moving close to James again as if caught in his personal gravitational pull. ]

I should let you sleep. [ Said as she very clearly struggles with the idea of leaving. She should be backing away, making her own exit to allow him time to recover in peace, but instead, her hand finds his arm again, some part of her breathing a sigh of relief at the tangible proof that he's still here with her. ]

[ Her hand is warm on his arm, and he hates the idea of being left alone here, in this sickbay that isn't his sickbay, on the Enterprise that isn't his Enterprise, almost as much as he hates the fact that even with advanced medicine, it's still going to take him a while to heal from being shot in the chest. ]

Pretty sure that captain of yours ordered us both to sleep. Though I'm not actually sure he can give me orders... but you should definitely sleep.

[ He shifts his arm beneath her hand so he can curl his fingers around hers, offering her a smile that quirks at the corner. ]

And I'm sure your quarters are a lot more comfortable than hanging around sickbay.

[ Give him a second. ]

Uh, for you, I mean.

[ She has to smile at that, though it's short-lived and gives way to an openly nervous expression. Her grip on his hand tightens and she does her best to calm her suddenly racing heartbeat. This is ridiculous, he's going to be fine, and yet. ]

I would sneak you out of here if I could, but I'm pretty sure Chapel would hunt us down and haul you back.

[ It's an attempt at humor that falls flat as fear spikes within her. She hadn't been as worried about leaving him before when he'd been with someone at all times, but now... He deserves some peace and quiet to rest, but the idea of leaving him alone terrifies her. The irrational part of her mind is certain that he'll stay with her so long as he isn't left on his own. Her gaze moves around the room, catching on the other piece of furniture, and her throat tightens. ]

But I don't know, that chair in the corner doesn't look too terribly uncomfortable. [ A suggestion. An offer. ]

Let's not get on the wrong side of the medical staff.

[ He follows her glance toward the chair, but tugs lightly at her hand. When he has her attention again, he shakes his head. ]

You need sleep, La'an. Real sleep, in a real bed. Go to your quarters, okay? I'll be fine here.

[ He's being practical. She'll obviously sleep better in an actual bed, there's no arguing that, but she does want to argue simply because she doesn't want to leave him. Yes, he'll be fine, but will he really? ]

Okay. [ It takes her a moment to concede, but then she straightens up and gives his hand a little shake. ] But first, I have something I need to do. I'll be back in a few minutes, alright? No arguing.

Me, argue? You've got the wrong Jim Kirk.

[ Said lightly, as he squeezes her hand and lets go, against every instinct yelling at him to hold on. ]

I'll be here.

[ She takes a few steps back before turning, hurrying out of the room so she can come back. It's only a quick pop to another level to grab what she's looking for, then back to his temporary room, working as she walks. By the time the door wooshes open again, she's ready to go straight to bedside to hand him his very own PADD. ]

So you don't get too bored, and so we can stay in touch. You can read up on two hundred years of history, or watch a film, or... call me. [ She looks nervous, her grip on her PADD tightening. Maybe she shouldn't say anything, especially not when it makes her feel so vulnerable, but maybe this is a step she needs to take. ] I keep thinking you're going to disappear the second I look away.

[ He accepts the PADD, studying it for a second before setting it aside. Two hundred years of history can wait a little while longer, especially when she's so tense. When she's saying that and all he can do is agree. ]

You think I'm not feeling that same way?

[ God, he wants to reach for her. Pull her into his arms, let her rest right here with him on this biobed that is absolutely not built for two. ]

I can't tell if I think I'm going to disappear or you're going to disappear, but I definitely don't want to let you out of my sight.

[ La'an's heart is in her throat just listening to him confirm she's not the only one feeling these things. It helps so much to hear that, even if it doesn't present a solution to their predicament. Taking a deep breath, she sits on the edge of his bed, her hip touching his, the connection soothing her aching soul. ]

We should probably figure out how to deal with this then, because I don't want to be out of your sight. Not yet. Not until— [ Her voice catches and she can't help herself; she has to reach over and rest her hand very lightly over that spot on his chest. ] Just not yet.

in another time —

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