[ Her muscles relax slightly when she feels his hand on her back, the warmth of his touch sinking in through the fabric of her shirt. His touch soothes her soul in a way she can't even begin to explain, and she doesn't want to acknowledge what that means.
Glancing over at him, she catches the last glimmer of that arched eyebrow, and so she has to explain. It's suddenly vitally important that he understands what sort of life shaped the other James Kirk. ] It was a wasteland. He said the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for a thousand years.
[ Even now, she has trouble grasping what it would be like to live in a galaxy like that. ] In his timeline, humanity had colonized a few planets, but... We didn't have allies. The Federation didn't exist, and we were losing a war with the Romulans.
[ She thinks of the way James and turned aside Spock's plea for help even after hearing how disastrous it would be for the Vulcans. The look on Spock's face... Jim doesn't need to know about that part. It might be ridiculous for her to feel protective of a man who no longer exists, especially given who that man was, but she doesn't want Jim to think badly of his other self. ]
[ 'the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for years'--he doesn't know why that sticks in his head. Gives him pause. He takes a moment to think about it, how that might change his life--not growing up on Earth. There not being an earth to come back to.
She continues and it only compounds the image in his head; a war with Romulans, a lack of the federation, only knowing a few planets instead of the expanse of space they have to explore now. No wonder--
--well, no wonder the man was different. Stopped to look at a sunset that Jim probably wouldn't have noticed. Ordered La'an to eat hotdogs. Hustled strangers for chess and had a great time doing it. She's not wrong, that Jim would struggle with the idea of himself turning down helping someone who was in need--but she doesn't share, so he doesn't have to factor that in his assessment.
La'an doesn't shake off his hand and so he leaves it there, pressed against her back, taking as much comfort from being able to touch her (to assure himself she's here, she's fine, she's with him) as she might take from him. ] So he grew up in a warzone and then ended up in the past with you.
[ he offers a smile, and a poor attempt to diffuse the tension ] At least he had a decent guide.
[ Another glance in Jim's direction has her smiling, just slightly, because she appreciates that attempt more than she can say. It doesn't entirely work, but it helps. He may not be her James, but he really is a good man all on his own merit. ]
I didn't let him order me around. He was a captain, but not Starfleet, so I argued with him and took charge and... I think it irritated him, at first. And then it didn't.
[ She looks back down at the watch in her hands as she thinks back to one of the last moments they'd shared. Her thumbs trace the curved edge of the watchface and it hurts so much to remember that moment with him on the street. The hope she'd felt that perhaps he could come with her, that this thing between them might not end in pain and heartache for her. But it had, and now she's sitting with a man who looks just like him, and— ]
I'm sorry. I know this has to be strange for you. And I know you're not him. [ Her voice strains almost to the point of breaking. ] I know that.
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Glancing over at him, she catches the last glimmer of that arched eyebrow, and so she has to explain. It's suddenly vitally important that he understands what sort of life shaped the other James Kirk. ] It was a wasteland. He said the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for a thousand years.
[ Even now, she has trouble grasping what it would be like to live in a galaxy like that. ] In his timeline, humanity had colonized a few planets, but... We didn't have allies. The Federation didn't exist, and we were losing a war with the Romulans.
[ She thinks of the way James and turned aside Spock's plea for help even after hearing how disastrous it would be for the Vulcans. The look on Spock's face... Jim doesn't need to know about that part. It might be ridiculous for her to feel protective of a man who no longer exists, especially given who that man was, but she doesn't want Jim to think badly of his other self. ]
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She continues and it only compounds the image in his head; a war with Romulans, a lack of the federation, only knowing a few planets instead of the expanse of space they have to explore now. No wonder--
--well, no wonder the man was different. Stopped to look at a sunset that Jim probably wouldn't have noticed. Ordered La'an to eat hotdogs. Hustled strangers for chess and had a great time doing it. She's not wrong, that Jim would struggle with the idea of himself turning down helping someone who was in need--but she doesn't share, so he doesn't have to factor that in his assessment.
La'an doesn't shake off his hand and so he leaves it there, pressed against her back, taking as much comfort from being able to touch her (to assure himself she's here, she's fine, she's with him) as she might take from him. ] So he grew up in a warzone and then ended up in the past with you.
[ he offers a smile, and a poor attempt to diffuse the tension ] At least he had a decent guide.
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I didn't let him order me around. He was a captain, but not Starfleet, so I argued with him and took charge and... I think it irritated him, at first. And then it didn't.
[ She looks back down at the watch in her hands as she thinks back to one of the last moments they'd shared. Her thumbs trace the curved edge of the watchface and it hurts so much to remember that moment with him on the street. The hope she'd felt that perhaps he could come with her, that this thing between them might not end in pain and heartache for her. But it had, and now she's sitting with a man who looks just like him, and— ]
I'm sorry. I know this has to be strange for you. And I know you're not him. [ Her voice strains almost to the point of breaking. ] I know that.