[ He's nothing like the other captains in the fleet. Una had told her as much over the years, but it's one thing to know something about a person and another entirely to know them. Christopher Pike is a captain who genuinely cares about the people under his command, and who will do anything in his power to look after them. Sometimes that means bending the rules during a mission. Sometimes it's as simple as showing up with a plate of brownies.
Yeah, she's pretty sure that's what this is. Where she struggles to connect with others, Chris does it almost effortlessly, searching for the best way to reach each individual with the same dedication he shows to his cooking. She'd seen it herself on that first mission, when he'd sat beside her in the medbay, physically closing himself off to match her own barriers, trying to earn her trust so she might be spared the pain of the procedure. She hadn't appreciated it at the time, but now that she's seen him in action with others, she understands what a gift it is to have someone like him truly care like that.
They're all incredibly lucky to have him as their captain. ]
Thank you, sir. It's good to be home. [ The emphasis that comes out with that last word is more than she'd expected, emotion rising up inside her almost uncontrollably. Her expression falters for a moment as she struggles to get her emotions back under control, and then she gestures toward the couch in the sitting area across from her bed. ] Please, have a seat. Would you like some coffee? I seem to remember it going well with chocolate.
[Pike saw the emotion on her face but didn't comment on it, it
was enough to know that it had been there. There was a sense of
satisfaction in seeing it. The Enterprise was his ship and her
crew were his crew and it was impossible not to feel a sense of
pride that La'an felt that way about the ship. For someone who had
been through what La'an had to know she felt that way about the
Enterprise... Pike had to think there had to have been at least a
little growth and healing in her time here. For Pike, the mission of
Starfleet was as much about searching internally as it was externally.
So he was prepared to boldly go into territory that might be
intimidating... La'an's personal thoughts and feelings.]
Is that why you've not been yourself lately? So happy to be back home?
[Clearly it wasn't the reason but Pike felt it was as good an
opening as any to get things started off in the right direction.]
[ To call the Enterprise home is honestly somewhat of an understatement. Most people have multiple places they think of as home. Home might be the house you grew up in or the hometown in which you were raised. It might be the place where you set out on your own. Perhaps it might be the school where you grew out of adolescence and into adulthood. La'an has had all of those things, of course, but none of them have the same emotional pull as this ship and her crew. This is the first place since she'd lost her family where she feels accepted and like she actually belongs.
Moving to the replicator, she programs in two coffees, recalling how he usually takes his from their many meetings in his ready room. She doesn't answer his questions just yet, using the few seconds as the machine worked its technical magic to create the hot beverages to figure out what to say. She's still not entirely sure as she carries the two steaming mugs across the room. ]
I did wonder if you'd noticed. I've done my best to complete my duties satisfactorily, and I do apologize if I've fallen short in that endeavor.
[ By the end, there's a thread of nervousness to her voice betraying how uncomfortable she is with the idea that she might have failed him in some way. She doesn't think she has, but the anxiety is still there, hidden under the smooth mask of her expression. The idea that she might have disappointed him is one she can't bear. ]
[It broke his heart a little to hear how worried she was about not
doing her duties properly. He knew how badly she wanted to do well for the
crew and for him. That wasn't a concern right now though.]
I want to be entirely clear. I'm not here as your Captain, who thinks
you're performing your duties as exceptional as always, but as your friend
who's concerned about you. People who aren't satisfactory in their duties
don't get brownies.
[He took the coffee from her and offered her the plate of brownies.
Taking a deep breath he took in the scent of coffee, letting it wrap him up
in all those pleasant memories he had associated with it. Early mornings on
the Mojave, late nights at the Academy, and now having a conversation with
a friend over brownies.]
[ Of course, that makes sense. He obviously wouldn't be bringing her handmade treats if he were upset with her performance. That's another thing to pick apart in therapy if she ever decides to go again. It's a big if these days thanks to the secret she can't share.
La'an takes the plate and moves to sit on the couch, leaving a cushion between her and Chris and setting the plate in that space. It's a barrier of sorts, flimsy as it is, but it's what she needs at this moment. Trust only goes so far when being vulnerable isn't something you're at all comfortable with. Part of her wants to run from this, which is ridiculous because she doesn't run from anything, but this is... It's too much. ]
Are you here for an explanation then? Because that's... [ She wraps her hands around her own mug, trying to find some comfort in its warmth. ] It's not an easy thing to give. My life has recently become rather complicated.
You don't have to give me an explanation if you don't think it will
help or you can't for whatever reason. You can just talk about what
you're feeling.
[Because sometimes that helped more than anything, just giving
voice to your feelings and working them through. Or just having
someone KNOW that you were feeling certain things could help.
Hopefully La'an knew that Pike would never judge her for feeling
something one way or another about something.]
But I know what it's like to hold something in that you can't, or
aren't supposed to, tell someone else. It's like a pressure valve and
any little bit you can release, whatever that looks like, helps.
[ Talk about what she's feeling. As if it could ever be that easy. Is she just supposed to let the words out without measuring each one in her mind first? Is she supposed to let her emotions loose with no regard to how she'll be perceived? Even the idea of it makes her balk, though she knows other people manage those very things every day. They're relatively simple acts and yet they've always felt near-impossible to her.
But she does know that he won't judge her. Not once in the time they've known each other has he ever spoken negatively of her genetic heritage, nor has he made her feel like a victim when it came to her experiences with the Gorn. She knows the captain views her as a competent member of his crew, and she has to trust that his opinion of her won't change if she lowers her walls just a little.
A deep breath. In. Out. In. Meditation isn't something she excels at, but breathing exercises are a calming part of her combat training, and she certainly feels as if she's preparing to go into battle. Leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees, she looks everywhere but at the man she would trust with the fate of humanity. ]
Something you aren't supposed to tell someone else... [ She repeats the words slowly, measuring the shape of them on her tongue. Her eyes find the watch resting on the table next to a bowl that had been part of the decor when she moved in, the two pieces incongruous parts of her life. ] That's what hurts the most. That no one can know. I would have told you that first day if I—
[ Sitting up again as if to put physical distance between herself and this heartbreaking secret she's been carrying around for weeks, she takes another ragged deep breath and shakes her head. ] I was instructed not to say anything to anyone.
[Pike listened quietly while La'an poured her heart out, or at least
tried to pour her heart out to him. He could see and feel the struggle
between her natural reluctance to open up to someone, her apparent duty to
not open up, but her desperate NEED to open up. It was a lot for one person
to bear and he understood that all too well himself. Damn to time
manipulations and all the problems that it brought about in the past,
present, and future. Even if the timeline was protected that didn't mean
there weren't ripples in the present, that those wounds didn't exist and
scars didn't reopen. Reaching out he gently set a comforting hand on her
shoulder.]
I can't tell you whether or not you should disobey orders. But I can tell
you that I trust your judgement on whether or not it's the right thing to
do.
[Which was good advice for him to take for himself. Orders be
damned, the right thing was the right thing and if anyone in La'an's life
could potentially understand it was Pike.]
Some time ago on a mission I became aware of my future. It's a future where
I will be horribly disfigured and disabled. I'll no longer be able to
captain a Starship. Or ride a horse. Hell, I don't think I'll even be able
to walk. And even knowing the future... if I try to change it then it will
be tragic for a very close friend of mine and in a very literal sense...
the entire galaxy. And I know this because an older version of myself
traveled back in time to let me know. So every day I live with the
knowledge that this fate awaits me.
[ The right thing to do. If this were an actual battle, she could go on intuition, trusting the instincts that have helped her survive all these years. But this isn't a battle, not in a literal sense, and she has no idea what the right thing to do is. The agent from Temporal Investigations hadn't exactly been helpful in telling her why she should keep this secret, and while she can understand the mentality of expecting a soldier to simply follow orders without questions asked, if her sharing this information would threaten the future, then she deserves to know. Period. Not telling her may very well constitute as much of a security threat as her telling the captain about her experience.
She's about to voice these concerns in some vague, possibly convoluted way when Chris drops his own metaphorical bomb. His words form a crack in her defensive wall that only grows as he continues speaking until finally that wall is nothing but crumbled rubble. Try as she might, she can't hold back the horror in her expression, emotion tightening her throat until she can barely speak. To carry that sort of knowledge every day, to be strong enough to continue moving forward despite what lies ahead...
He understands. The realization crashes into her and she can barely breathe. She wants to offer him sympathy, and express how sorry she is that he carries this burden, but she is ever the tactician. Sympathies won't be anywhere near as effective as sharing her own burden and gifting him the knowledge that she understands too. ]
That day I suddenly came onto the bridge out of uniform, I'd just returned from 200 years in the past. There was an attack that changed our timeline and I was tasked with going back to stop it. I had to watch a friend die, and I had to allow my ancestor to live so he— [ Her voice breaks and she swallows thickly, tears stinging her eyes as her hands tighten around the forgotten mug of coffee. ] His atrocities are what got us here. Without him, there was no Federation. The galaxy was at war and Earth was a desolate wasteland. I... I condemned all those people to die to save the future.
[He saw the look of horror on her face but Pike knew that it wasn't
pity but more understanding the full weight of what living like that was
like. La'an had gone through something similar during her captivity, when
her fate seemed gruesome and entirely certain. She knew what it was like to
carry that sort of weight and he could read the sorrow in her expression at
knowing someone she cared for had to face that. It was genuinely touching
to know she felt that way.
When she shared her own story it was every bit as heartbreaking for
him to listen to. He knew how dedicated La'an was to saving everyone she
could, he knew the personal burdens she placed on herself. To be forced to
make a choice like that must have been awful. He also didn't miss that
she'd had to watch another friend die.]
No, La'an. You didn't. But I'm sure that doesn't make it feel much less
like all those deaths are your responsibility. But they're not. It's not
your fault.
[ Not believing you're gonna die is what gets you killed. He'd known his future when she said those words. It might not be his death that he's aware of, but it will be the death of the life he's worked so hard to build. She can't even begin to imagine the struggle it must have been for him to come to terms with it all — to accept that trying to change the outcome will only make it worse. He has to live each day knowing it's bringing him closer to his fate; she'd only had to ensure the past remained unchanged.
Sniffling quietly, she unwraps a hand from her mug to wipe her cheek where a tear has escaped. She refuses to lose control of her emotions completely. Refuses. ]
Perhaps not. But his death is. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he would be reckless, and that she would— [ Another tear slips out and she scrubs it away as well, the action almost violent. ] Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Earth Fleet starship Enterprise. He died in my arms, protecting a timeline he wouldn't get to see and a version of the brother he'd lost.
[ And every time she sees the James Kirk of their universe, her heart races and is shredded to bits all over again. It's ridiculous for his death to affect her more than the ramifications of the decision she'd been forced to make... but it does. She shatters into pieces every time she wakes up and remembers all over again and she doesn't know if that will ever stop.
Is there any timeline in which she isn't one of the walking wounded, doomed to a life full of tragedy and loss? ]
[That explained some things, her reaction to seeing Jim Kirk and the entire history between them that only La’an knew. It has to be like losing him all over again every time he looked at her without that recognition.
Pike didn’t know what to say. Actually, he knew that there was nothing he could say in this moment. This was likely the first time she’d told anyone about this, the first time she’d voiced any of this out loud, and no combination of words, regardless of how true they might be, would change what she was feeling in this moment. And maybe she didn’t need to have her feelings changed right now. Later they could work on the way she thought about herself and the situation but Pike had a sense that right now she needed to feel all of this.
So he did the only thing that he could think of, the only thing that he thought might give her any sort of comfort, and leaned forward to wrap and arm around her and pull her close for a hug. She was hanging on by a thread emotionally but she didn’t need to keep hanging on. Like was here, he had her, and he wasn’t going to let go of her because they were in this moment together.]
[ It turns out a hug is all that's needed to break La'an Noonien-Singh. Who would have thought? How could anyone have possibly guessed that a simple act of human kindness would be her undoing? At least she can rest assured that the captain will never use this information against her. But break her it does, the warmth and concern of a friend tipping her over the edge into the deep precipice of grief that is always within her.
Her free arm returns the embrace, wrapping around Chris as she turns to better face him. There's still a mug in her other hand, so some part of her mind is occupied with keeping it level so she doesn't spill it on the man offering her comfort, but despite the bit of awkwardness... it's perfect. So rarely does she have contact like this, always keeping herself apart from others whether physically or emotionally, that she clings to him like the world is ending.
And perhaps, for them, it is. For this moment in time, they can set aside the burden of hiding the pain of these they can't share with anyone else. More tears slip down her cheeks and her voice trembles as she quietly asks the most important question she can think of. ]
How do you do it? How do you keep moving forward each day despite it all?
[Pike just held her like that, letting her sink into his embrace and their shared sorrow. He hoped that she could tell he was getting just as much out of this as she was, that he needed someone to vent his burden to as well. As much as he'd come to terms with it the knowledge of it still weighed heavily on him. If nothing else he was glad that it helped him understand La'an's position better, that it let her open up to him and start some of that work to move through what had happened as much as anyone could.]
I don't. I don't move forward despite it, I move forward because of it. Because all that sorrow and grief is just love that doesn't have it's proper place to go. And eventually you find other places to put that love or the memory of the love starts to overpower those feelings of sorrow. It will always be a part of you, but it's a memorial to something that was wonderful.
[ She should have guessed that's what he would say. If she's learned anything about Captain Christopher Pike, it's that he cares deeply and isn't afraid to let people know it. Which isn't to say that following his counsel will be easy... but she will try. Nodding her understanding of his words, she presses her chin into his shoulder for a moment before loosening her hold on him and slowly pulling back. ]
Thank you, Chris. For the advice, and for... [ How can she put into words the gift he's given her? His friendship is a gift in itself, but this is so much more than that. And then, because it's the second most important question: ] May I ask, how long?
[ How long until they lose him and he loses the life he loves? ]
Long enough that you’re stuck with me for a while long.
[He gave her a smile and reach up to gently brush away a few of the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. He didn’t think that she was done crying over this but he thought she might be done now.
And he wasn’t about to burden her with any sort of timetable or knowledge about how close he was to the event. He appreciated her asking and just knowing she knew was enough for him.]
And listen, when it happens, I want you to know that every day for the rest of my life I’ll know that I saved the life of a person who was worth going through that for. And an entire Federation of people will know a measure of peace they wouldn’t otherwise. I also want you to remember who we should really feel sorry for right now.
[One of the best parts of being a captain was that you got to talk in enigmatic riddles under the guise of making people think outside the box.]
[ He doesn't want her to know the specifics, and she'll have to respect that. She doesn't like it, La'an has always been someone who gathers information and plans accordingly, but she'll respect his wishes. And just because she doesn't know how long a while is doesn't mean she can't start planning now. Already, she's considering ways to nudge the scientists and medical personnel to stay current on research regarding such serious injuries, as well as doing their own explorations of new treatments as they expand relations with other species across the galaxy. If she can't do something to save him from this fate, then she'll do everything she can to help him get through what comes after.
She owes him that much and more.
Furrowing her brow slightly, she considers the riddle for a few seconds before hazarding a guess with what seems a very Pike-like answer. ] The crewpersons who don't have fresh-baked brownies to console them after they've cried on their captain?
[Pike could see the gears turning in her head how she could respect his wishes but still do everything she could for him. Honestly he expected nothing less and as long as she let him do what he needed to do… well the rest of that was up to her. He had no knowledge of what “needed” to happen after that. When she gave her answer to his riddle though he gave a little chuckle.]
No, but good guess. I was thinking of the James Kirk of our time. He was in a relationship with one of the most selfless, courageous, brilliant, and beautiful people I’d ever met and he has no idea. Missed out on one of the greatest experiences in life. And I can’t imagine how much it hurts that he doesn’t remember but he doesn’t have that. I know if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to forget having that with someone like you, La’an.
[ A relationship. What she'd shared with James couldn't even really be called that, they'd only just started, and who knows what it might have become, but... Deep down, she knows she was in love with him. Still is. Another tragic note in her life's story: she's in love with a man who never should have existed.
Her throat tightens with emotions at Chris's words and a fresh wave of tears threatens to break loose; she only just manages to hold them back. It's a beautiful sentiment that she doesn't have the slightest idea how to respond to, so she skirts around his kind words about her until she knows what to do with them. ]
He's one of the only people I've ever met who didn't recognize my name and judge me for my family's legacy. When he looked at me, he just saw me. Not a victim of the Gorn or an augmented monster, just... me. The real me. [ She looks down at her lap, at the cooling mug of coffee she hasn't yet touched. ] I'll never be able to thank him for that. For showing me the person I had the potential to become.
[ Taking a deep breath, she tilts her head back to look up at the ceiling, her eyes growing red and puffy from her crying. ] I suppose by your accounting, we should feel sorry for this James Kirk for never being able to know that version of me.
I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t give you know you outside of all of those things but the La’an I know? I couldn’t think higher of her. When I think of you it’s of someone that cares as deeply for this crew as I do. That Spock would steal this ship to rescue. And I’m forever indebted to the James Kirk you knew for showing a friend I care very much about how much potential she has and how special she is.
[Pike didn’t think that anything would truly take away the pain of what had happened to her and what she’d been robbed of. It was an especially cruel twist of fate that had shown her something like that then taken it away. Pike hoped that someday thought that La’an could have that again and in the meantime he hoped he could show her that the La’an she felt everyone else saw? That La’an was absolutely amazing.]
Because the La’an I know deserves all those wonderful things too. That’s one of the reasons she gets brownies.
[ It is part of command training to know how to boost the morale of each member of your crew, or is that a skill specific to one Christopher Pike? She's never met anyone quite like him. Even when she'd admitted to lying by omission during their first mission together, he'd found a way to offer her advice and hope with a simple anecdote and a place on his ship. It was a day that changed her life more than any other since her colony ship was captured. If anyone had tried to tell her just how much being onboard the Enterprise would change her for the better, she's not sure she would have believed them. ]
You really are quite excellent at these pep talks, you know. [ She looks over at him with a small, slightly watery but completely genuine smile. And then, after much ado, she selects a brownie, picking it up to take a small bite. Chewing carefully, she savors the flavor for a moment before her smile grows. ] And these are far more than just adequate. They're delicious.
[Pike wasn't sure that he was anything special when it came to boosting the morale of his crew. If anyone asked him he would have perhaps admitted to being able to see the best in people but from that point it was just about getting them to see that about themselves. Also, he was a very good cook.]
It comes from making a lot of mistakes and having to give myself pep talks.
[He watched as he tried the brownie, genuinely interested to hear what she thought. He was fairly certain that they were going to be good but confirmation was nice.]
Well good, I'm glad I've got the recipe down now.
the wait for more of them on our screens is going to be brutal
[ One of the things she's always appreciated about the captain is that, despite his position and esteemed career, he never shies away from admitting that he's made mistakes in the past. There is no act of imperiousness or superiority, only attempts to impart hard-won wisdom and advice whenever he can. He's one of the best men she's ever met, and she's proud to serve under him.
That he has incredible skill in the kitchen is just an added bonus to being part of his crew. Since returning to the Enterprise, La'an takes full advantage of every opportunity to eat Chris's cooking, especially breakfast foods. Now, she'll apparently need to keep dessert on the list of things not to be missed. ]
You absolutely have. [ She's quiet for a moment, her smile slipping just slightly before she offers him her heartfelt gratitude. ] Thank you, Chris. For caring. And... for sharing with me.
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Yeah, she's pretty sure that's what this is. Where she struggles to connect with others, Chris does it almost effortlessly, searching for the best way to reach each individual with the same dedication he shows to his cooking. She'd seen it herself on that first mission, when he'd sat beside her in the medbay, physically closing himself off to match her own barriers, trying to earn her trust so she might be spared the pain of the procedure. She hadn't appreciated it at the time, but now that she's seen him in action with others, she understands what a gift it is to have someone like him truly care like that.
They're all incredibly lucky to have him as their captain. ]
Thank you, sir. It's good to be home. [ The emphasis that comes out with that last word is more than she'd expected, emotion rising up inside her almost uncontrollably. Her expression falters for a moment as she struggles to get her emotions back under control, and then she gestures toward the couch in the sitting area across from her bed. ] Please, have a seat. Would you like some coffee? I seem to remember it going well with chocolate.
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Coffee would be excellent.
[Pike saw the emotion on her face but didn't comment on it, it was enough to know that it had been there. There was a sense of satisfaction in seeing it. The Enterprise was his ship and her crew were his crew and it was impossible not to feel a sense of pride that La'an felt that way about the ship. For someone who had been through what La'an had to know she felt that way about the Enterprise... Pike had to think there had to have been at least a little growth and healing in her time here. For Pike, the mission of Starfleet was as much about searching internally as it was externally. So he was prepared to boldly go into territory that might be intimidating... La'an's personal thoughts and feelings.]
Is that why you've not been yourself lately? So happy to be back home?
[Clearly it wasn't the reason but Pike felt it was as good an opening as any to get things started off in the right direction.]
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Moving to the replicator, she programs in two coffees, recalling how he usually takes his from their many meetings in his ready room. She doesn't answer his questions just yet, using the few seconds as the machine worked its technical magic to create the hot beverages to figure out what to say. She's still not entirely sure as she carries the two steaming mugs across the room. ]
I did wonder if you'd noticed. I've done my best to complete my duties satisfactorily, and I do apologize if I've fallen short in that endeavor.
[ By the end, there's a thread of nervousness to her voice betraying how uncomfortable she is with the idea that she might have failed him in some way. She doesn't think she has, but the anxiety is still there, hidden under the smooth mask of her expression. The idea that she might have disappointed him is one she can't bear. ]
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[It broke his heart a little to hear how worried she was about not doing her duties properly. He knew how badly she wanted to do well for the crew and for him. That wasn't a concern right now though.]
I want to be entirely clear. I'm not here as your Captain, who thinks you're performing your duties as exceptional as always, but as your friend who's concerned about you. People who aren't satisfactory in their duties don't get brownies.
[He took the coffee from her and offered her the plate of brownies. Taking a deep breath he took in the scent of coffee, letting it wrap him up in all those pleasant memories he had associated with it. Early mornings on the Mojave, late nights at the Academy, and now having a conversation with a friend over brownies.]
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La'an takes the plate and moves to sit on the couch, leaving a cushion between her and Chris and setting the plate in that space. It's a barrier of sorts, flimsy as it is, but it's what she needs at this moment. Trust only goes so far when being vulnerable isn't something you're at all comfortable with. Part of her wants to run from this, which is ridiculous because she doesn't run from anything, but this is... It's too much. ]
Are you here for an explanation then? Because that's... [ She wraps her hands around her own mug, trying to find some comfort in its warmth. ] It's not an easy thing to give. My life has recently become rather complicated.
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You don't have to give me an explanation if you don't think it will help or you can't for whatever reason. You can just talk about what you're feeling.
[Because sometimes that helped more than anything, just giving voice to your feelings and working them through. Or just having someone KNOW that you were feeling certain things could help. Hopefully La'an knew that Pike would never judge her for feeling something one way or another about something.]
But I know what it's like to hold something in that you can't, or aren't supposed to, tell someone else. It's like a pressure valve and any little bit you can release, whatever that looks like, helps.
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But she does know that he won't judge her. Not once in the time they've known each other has he ever spoken negatively of her genetic heritage, nor has he made her feel like a victim when it came to her experiences with the Gorn. She knows the captain views her as a competent member of his crew, and she has to trust that his opinion of her won't change if she lowers her walls just a little.
A deep breath. In. Out. In. Meditation isn't something she excels at, but breathing exercises are a calming part of her combat training, and she certainly feels as if she's preparing to go into battle. Leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees, she looks everywhere but at the man she would trust with the fate of humanity. ]
Something you aren't supposed to tell someone else... [ She repeats the words slowly, measuring the shape of them on her tongue. Her eyes find the watch resting on the table next to a bowl that had been part of the decor when she moved in, the two pieces incongruous parts of her life. ] That's what hurts the most. That no one can know. I would have told you that first day if I—
[ Sitting up again as if to put physical distance between herself and this heartbreaking secret she's been carrying around for weeks, she takes another ragged deep breath and shakes her head. ] I was instructed not to say anything to anyone.
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[Pike listened quietly while La'an poured her heart out, or at least tried to pour her heart out to him. He could see and feel the struggle between her natural reluctance to open up to someone, her apparent duty to not open up, but her desperate NEED to open up. It was a lot for one person to bear and he understood that all too well himself. Damn to time manipulations and all the problems that it brought about in the past, present, and future. Even if the timeline was protected that didn't mean there weren't ripples in the present, that those wounds didn't exist and scars didn't reopen. Reaching out he gently set a comforting hand on her shoulder.]
I can't tell you whether or not you should disobey orders. But I can tell you that I trust your judgement on whether or not it's the right thing to do.
[Which was good advice for him to take for himself. Orders be damned, the right thing was the right thing and if anyone in La'an's life could potentially understand it was Pike.]
Some time ago on a mission I became aware of my future. It's a future where I will be horribly disfigured and disabled. I'll no longer be able to captain a Starship. Or ride a horse. Hell, I don't think I'll even be able to walk. And even knowing the future... if I try to change it then it will be tragic for a very close friend of mine and in a very literal sense... the entire galaxy. And I know this because an older version of myself traveled back in time to let me know. So every day I live with the knowledge that this fate awaits me.
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She's about to voice these concerns in some vague, possibly convoluted way when Chris drops his own metaphorical bomb. His words form a crack in her defensive wall that only grows as he continues speaking until finally that wall is nothing but crumbled rubble. Try as she might, she can't hold back the horror in her expression, emotion tightening her throat until she can barely speak. To carry that sort of knowledge every day, to be strong enough to continue moving forward despite what lies ahead...
He understands. The realization crashes into her and she can barely breathe. She wants to offer him sympathy, and express how sorry she is that he carries this burden, but she is ever the tactician. Sympathies won't be anywhere near as effective as sharing her own burden and gifting him the knowledge that she understands too. ]
That day I suddenly came onto the bridge out of uniform, I'd just returned from 200 years in the past. There was an attack that changed our timeline and I was tasked with going back to stop it. I had to watch a friend die, and I had to allow my ancestor to live so he— [ Her voice breaks and she swallows thickly, tears stinging her eyes as her hands tighten around the forgotten mug of coffee. ] His atrocities are what got us here. Without him, there was no Federation. The galaxy was at war and Earth was a desolate wasteland. I... I condemned all those people to die to save the future.
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[He saw the look of horror on her face but Pike knew that it wasn't pity but more understanding the full weight of what living like that was like. La'an had gone through something similar during her captivity, when her fate seemed gruesome and entirely certain. She knew what it was like to carry that sort of weight and he could read the sorrow in her expression at knowing someone she cared for had to face that. It was genuinely touching to know she felt that way.
When she shared her own story it was every bit as heartbreaking for him to listen to. He knew how dedicated La'an was to saving everyone she could, he knew the personal burdens she placed on herself. To be forced to make a choice like that must have been awful. He also didn't miss that she'd had to watch another friend die.]
No, La'an. You didn't. But I'm sure that doesn't make it feel much less like all those deaths are your responsibility. But they're not. It's not your fault.
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Sniffling quietly, she unwraps a hand from her mug to wipe her cheek where a tear has escaped. She refuses to lose control of her emotions completely. Refuses. ]
Perhaps not. But his death is. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he would be reckless, and that she would— [ Another tear slips out and she scrubs it away as well, the action almost violent. ] Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Earth Fleet starship Enterprise. He died in my arms, protecting a timeline he wouldn't get to see and a version of the brother he'd lost.
[ And every time she sees the James Kirk of their universe, her heart races and is shredded to bits all over again. It's ridiculous for his death to affect her more than the ramifications of the decision she'd been forced to make... but it does. She shatters into pieces every time she wakes up and remembers all over again and she doesn't know if that will ever stop.
Is there any timeline in which she isn't one of the walking wounded, doomed to a life full of tragedy and loss? ]
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[That explained some things, her reaction to seeing Jim Kirk and the entire history between them that only La’an knew. It has to be like losing him all over again every time he looked at her without that recognition.
Pike didn’t know what to say. Actually, he knew that there was nothing he could say in this moment. This was likely the first time she’d told anyone about this, the first time she’d voiced any of this out loud, and no combination of words, regardless of how true they might be, would change what she was feeling in this moment. And maybe she didn’t need to have her feelings changed right now. Later they could work on the way she thought about herself and the situation but Pike had a sense that right now she needed to feel all of this.
So he did the only thing that he could think of, the only thing that he thought might give her any sort of comfort, and leaned forward to wrap and arm around her and pull her close for a hug. She was hanging on by a thread emotionally but she didn’t need to keep hanging on. Like was here, he had her, and he wasn’t going to let go of her because they were in this moment together.]
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Her free arm returns the embrace, wrapping around Chris as she turns to better face him. There's still a mug in her other hand, so some part of her mind is occupied with keeping it level so she doesn't spill it on the man offering her comfort, but despite the bit of awkwardness... it's perfect. So rarely does she have contact like this, always keeping herself apart from others whether physically or emotionally, that she clings to him like the world is ending.
And perhaps, for them, it is. For this moment in time, they can set aside the burden of hiding the pain of these they can't share with anyone else. More tears slip down her cheeks and her voice trembles as she quietly asks the most important question she can think of. ]
How do you do it? How do you keep moving forward each day despite it all?
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I don't. I don't move forward despite it, I move forward because of it. Because all that sorrow and grief is just love that doesn't have it's proper place to go. And eventually you find other places to put that love or the memory of the love starts to overpower those feelings of sorrow. It will always be a part of you, but it's a memorial to something that was wonderful.
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Thank you, Chris. For the advice, and for... [ How can she put into words the gift he's given her? His friendship is a gift in itself, but this is so much more than that. And then, because it's the second most important question: ] May I ask, how long?
[ How long until they lose him and he loses the life he loves? ]
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Long enough that you’re stuck with me for a while long.
[He gave her a smile and reach up to gently brush away a few of the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. He didn’t think that she was done crying over this but he thought she might be done now.
And he wasn’t about to burden her with any sort of timetable or knowledge about how close he was to the event. He appreciated her asking and just knowing she knew was enough for him.]
And listen, when it happens, I want you to know that every day for the rest of my life I’ll know that I saved the life of a person who was worth going through that for. And an entire Federation of people will know a measure of peace they wouldn’t otherwise. I also want you to remember who we should really feel sorry for right now.
[One of the best parts of being a captain was that you got to talk in enigmatic riddles under the guise of making people think outside the box.]
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She owes him that much and more.
Furrowing her brow slightly, she considers the riddle for a few seconds before hazarding a guess with what seems a very Pike-like answer. ] The crewpersons who don't have fresh-baked brownies to console them after they've cried on their captain?
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[Pike could see the gears turning in her head how she could respect his wishes but still do everything she could for him. Honestly he expected nothing less and as long as she let him do what he needed to do… well the rest of that was up to her. He had no knowledge of what “needed” to happen after that. When she gave her answer to his riddle though he gave a little chuckle.]
No, but good guess. I was thinking of the James Kirk of our time. He was in a relationship with one of the most selfless, courageous, brilliant, and beautiful people I’d ever met and he has no idea. Missed out on one of the greatest experiences in life. And I can’t imagine how much it hurts that he doesn’t remember but he doesn’t have that. I know if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to forget having that with someone like you, La’an.
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Her throat tightens with emotions at Chris's words and a fresh wave of tears threatens to break loose; she only just manages to hold them back. It's a beautiful sentiment that she doesn't have the slightest idea how to respond to, so she skirts around his kind words about her until she knows what to do with them. ]
He's one of the only people I've ever met who didn't recognize my name and judge me for my family's legacy. When he looked at me, he just saw me. Not a victim of the Gorn or an augmented monster, just... me. The real me. [ She looks down at her lap, at the cooling mug of coffee she hasn't yet touched. ] I'll never be able to thank him for that. For showing me the person I had the potential to become.
[ Taking a deep breath, she tilts her head back to look up at the ceiling, her eyes growing red and puffy from her crying. ] I suppose by your accounting, we should feel sorry for this James Kirk for never being able to know that version of me.
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I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t give you know you outside of all of those things but the La’an I know? I couldn’t think higher of her. When I think of you it’s of someone that cares as deeply for this crew as I do. That Spock would steal this ship to rescue. And I’m forever indebted to the James Kirk you knew for showing a friend I care very much about how much potential she has and how special she is.
[Pike didn’t think that anything would truly take away the pain of what had happened to her and what she’d been robbed of. It was an especially cruel twist of fate that had shown her something like that then taken it away. Pike hoped that someday thought that La’an could have that again and in the meantime he hoped he could show her that the La’an she felt everyone else saw? That La’an was absolutely amazing.]
Because the La’an I know deserves all those wonderful things too. That’s one of the reasons she gets brownies.
i just love these two
You really are quite excellent at these pep talks, you know. [ She looks over at him with a small, slightly watery but completely genuine smile. And then, after much ado, she selects a brownie, picking it up to take a small bite. Chewing carefully, she savors the flavor for a moment before her smile grows. ] And these are far more than just adequate. They're delicious.
Me tooooo. Sorry for the late reply!
It comes from making a lot of mistakes and having to give myself pep talks.
[He watched as he tried the brownie, genuinely interested to hear what she thought. He was fairly certain that they were going to be good but confirmation was nice.]
Well good, I'm glad I've got the recipe down now.
the wait for more of them on our screens is going to be brutal
That he has incredible skill in the kitchen is just an added bonus to being part of his crew. Since returning to the Enterprise, La'an takes full advantage of every opportunity to eat Chris's cooking, especially breakfast foods. Now, she'll apparently need to keep dessert on the list of things not to be missed. ]
You absolutely have. [ She's quiet for a moment, her smile slipping just slightly before she offers him her heartfelt gratitude. ] Thank you, Chris. For caring. And... for sharing with me.
[ The brownies, and his secret. ]