[ He smiles so much more easily than she does, and she loves each and every one of them for the way the expression changes his face entirely. When he smiles, really smiles, that weight is lifted from him and he no longer seems like a battle-worn soldier. Suddenly, he's just a terribly charming man with a silly sense of humor and a strong dedication to what he deems as right. It's a good look on him. She hopes he's able to wear it more often now.
And it doesn't escape her notice how much she has smiled with him in the last few days. Without the shadow of judgment for her ancestor or tragic past, she's felt freer with him than she has with just about anyone. Yes, there are members of the Enterprise crew who have earned that level of trust from her, but it took months whereas with him it took only days. He'd stepped right past her walls without her even noticing, and now she can't imagine him ever being on the other side of them again. ]
I've trained my team well. They can handle things without me for a while longer. [ Between her tone and expression, it's clear just how proud she is of the crew under her leadership. Besides, she doesn't want to go anywhere either. Except she'll have to, just for a short time. ]
But if you're really up to it, I'll let Captain Pike know. I've already spoken with Nurse Chapel and Dr. M'Benga about moving you to a slightly more private area for our discussion, so they'll get you situated while I take care of a few things.
[ Like changing out of these 21st century clothes. His blood is still on her sleeve, dried and barely visible on the black fabric, but she'd felt the immense weight of it there every second she waited for him to wake up. ]
[ Over the last few days, he's developed a strong sense of admiration for La'an: she's capable, competent, and smart, all things he finds completely irresistible. She's gorgeous, too, but that doesn't have much to do with how certain he is that she'd taught her team well. It's really just more of an added bonus, when he thinks about how she'd showed up on his bridge, out of everywhere in the timestream she could have wound up.
Regardless of everything else, everything he'll have to come to terms with, he can count himself lucky for that. ]
Don't worry about me. Talking, I can handle. And I'd rather wind up on your captain's good side, if at all possible.
[ He runs the pad of his thumb over her knuckles and gives her a reassuring smile. ]
And I promise to behave for your Nurse Chapel and Doctor M'Benga. I really ought to be thanking them, anyway.
[ She's the one counting herself lucky for ending up in a timeline with him on the bridge of the Enterprise. What she'd told him before wasn't just flattery; she really couldn't have completed the mission without him. And for him to be here now... With as complicated as things are likely to be going forward, she doesn't have a single regret within her. ]
So long as you're yourself with him, I honestly don't think you'll have any trouble with the captain. As for Chapel and M'Benga... [ She gives him a playfully stern look, barely able to hold back her smile for proper effect. ] They're both war veterans and fully capable of handling whatever you throw at them. Which is not, by the way, a challenge.
[ Yes, that last bit was necessary. She's met him before. ]
[ He affects hurt astonishment as best he can at that, eyebrows pushing up toward his hairline, eyes wide as he takes in her mock sternness. ]
Wow. Where's the trust?
[ Would he have ever believed that this warm, playful woman could be one and the same with the security chief on a mission who'd arrived on his bridge if he hadn't lived through the last few days with her? People can be difficult for me, she'd said, but from where he's standing – well, laying – it's those people who are the ones missing out.
For himself, he's fascinated with each new side of her. Jim lifts her hand from his chest and raises it so he can press a kiss to her knuckles, gentle and lingering, before he finally lets her go. ]
Go ahead. I'll be right here when you get back. Well – I'll be wherever Chapel and M'Benga put me. Hopefully not in an airlock, but I guess that all depends on just what I do decide to throw at them.
[ She'd once told Una that she doesn't care what other people think of her. In truth, it's the exact opposite. For her entire life, she's worried what others think of her. Augment. Monster. Victim. She's been something to be feared and someone to be pitied, but so rarely someone to be loved. What she's feeling now is a first for her — a true connection with someone who might actually return those feelings. It's exhilarating and completely terrifying.
But she trusts him. With every fiber of her being, she trusts this man, which is a marvel in and of itself.
It's impossible to hide how that simple kiss affects her, her demeanor changing to almost nervous and a bit flustered, which is truly ridiculous. She's faced the Gorn multiple times and this is nothing compared to that. There is no reason whatsoever to be nervous with James Kirk. But still, she laughs at his antics, shaking her head as she stands. ]
If you do end up in an airlock, I won't be the least bit surprised. [ There's a gentle teasing to her words, and she gives his arm a soft squeeze before finally stepping back from the bed. ] I'll be back soon.
[ He says it cheerfully, then nods at her last statement, tosses her a wink.
The thing is, all of this teasing, it's not just to make her feel better – though that's definitely a large factor. It makes himself feel better, too. If he's smiling, if he's cracking jokes, if he's flirting, it couldn't have been all that serious a wound, right?
Except he knows it was. He'd have been dead, if not for her. Maybe he had been dead, even if only for a few moments. It's enough to get into a guy's head and really start messing things up in there.
She hasn't been gone for a whole thirty seconds before a willowy winter-blonde woman in a white nurse's uniform comes briskly in. Something about the way her lips twitch makes him think she's holding back a grin – that, and the look of pure delighted curiosity in her eyes.
For his part, Jim holds up a hand, gives her a wry smile back. ]
[ Leaving sickbay takes every ounce of willpower La'an has spent years cultivating. Each step leading away from James feels like a mile, and a ball of dread begins building inside her with every passing minute. She hurries back to her quarters, immediately tossing aside the jacket she'd removed hours earlier and tugging off the heavy boots. They thud onto the floor, the sound hideously loud in the quiet room, and then—
La'an Noonien-Singh, I'm Agent Ymalay from the Department of Temporal Investigations.
What follows is a trying, emotionally-wrought conversation with one of the most infuriating people La'an has ever met. The woman thanks her for completing the mission and protecting the timeline, but in the next breath, she very properly tells her off for introducing another James Kirk to it. Apparently, the damage is not entirely irreparable, so he'll be allowed to remain, but La'an should 'count herself lucky' that there won't be further repercussions.
You sent me back to protect a mass murderer? I had to kill to protect him. I had to watch my fr—
But in typical bureaucratic fashion, the agent denies the accusation, twisting words to fit her needs. By the end of the conversation, if it can be called that, the usually stoic and composed chief of security is an emotional wreck, everything in her bursting out uncontrollably. The sobs leave her feeling wrung out and empty, her throat raw from the heaving cries, but still she pulls herself up off the couch. There are still things she needs to attend to, including a meeting with a captain who will likely have more questions than she has answers. ]
Hi. [ Chapel's barely-restrained grin is going absolutely nowhere as she comes up to the side of the biobed, scanner out and whirring gently as she waves it over his chest. ] So...
[ No one should be able to put so much sly interest into a single syllable. ] How're you feeling?
[ He submits to her scans and ministrations, answers her questions honestly – none of which, he's sure, are the ones she's dying to ask, but she's perfectly professional as she reviews his vitals and makes a note in his file, as she supervises his transference onto a gurney so he can be moved into that more private room La'an had mentioned. He points out that he can probably walk; she points out that if he tries, and falls, and whacks his head, she might have to try to bring him back to life again, which effectively ends any further argument from him.
Best of all, she stays with him, once he's settled in the room, just to keep him company. She's kind and warm and funny, and he likes her pretty much immediately, despite his amusement at the questions she so clearly wants to be asking. It's nice to have someone there, though his glance returns again and again to the door, watching for La'an to come back through it. ]
[ After donning her proper uniform and doing her best to hide all physical evidence of her minor emotional breakdown, she speaks with the captain. He's tied up with something at that precise moment, but he'll meet with them shortly. She sends him the room James has been moved to, that information courtesy of Chapel via a message on her PADD, and then she says screw it to anything else that might possibly try to pull her attention away.
With her PADD in hand, she heads back across the ship to Sickbay, the private recovery room just off the main facility. That seed of dread has bloomed in her gut and she feels almost sick with it, her steps faltering as she reaches his room. Pressing her roiling emotions back down where they belong, she takes a deep breath and opens the door, the whooshing sound feeling like a knife twisting in her stomach.
Honestly, she probably looks as terrible as she feels. She can tell that she's doing an awful job of hiding her exhaustion, and even Christine will be able to tell that her mood is off. Her usual professional demeanor can only explain so much of how close-off she's made herself, and how flat her voice sounds. It would have been better to put on an act but she just doesn't have the energy for it anymore. ]
Thank you for your assistance, Nurse Chapel. May we have some time alone? Captain Pike will be joining us shortly, and there are some things I need to discuss with Captain Kirk before he arrives.
[ She thanks the stars that her friend doesn't question her. About any of it. ]
[ Chapel goes, not without a quick, incisive glance at him. He doesn't need it. La'an had been smiling when she left; now she looks like she's been hollowed out, and there's a redness to her eyes he doesn't like.
Once the door closes and they're alone, he reaches a hand to her, eyebrows drawing together in consternation. ]
La'an. What happened?
[ Did her captain wind up disappointing her with his reaction? Did he dress her down for the unspeakable crime of saving not only his life, but this whole damn timeline?
Damn this biobed and his injury; he can't even push himself up to sitting. The best he can do is hope she takes his hand and talks to him. ]
[ Suddenly, horribly, she's grateful that James is bedridden at this particular moment. Maintaining her composure is only possible with distance, both physical and emotional, and she manages that by staying just out of his reach. It twists that knife further, certainly, but it's that or break apart again, perhaps so thoroughly that she can't put the pieces back together again. No, there's only one thing he could possibly do to help her, and it's the one thing she can't ask from him, he can only give it to her himself. ]
I had a... visitor. I'll fill you in when the captain arrives, but in the meantime, there are things you... need to know, in order to understand the full context of... [ Her words are as stiff as her movements while she activates the lightweight PADD and holds it out for his reaching hand to take. The file open on the screen is a formal summary of the crimes of Khan Noonien-Singh, the monster from whom she'd received her cursed genetics and her name. ]
[ He takes the PADD from her – what else is there to do? – and turns it in his hand, frowning harder as he looks at the screen, at the name on it. Infamous, she'd said, when he was teasing her about her name, and now, as he scrolls through the text and images, as his brows draw ever more tightly together, he can see why.
Thirty million dead. Earth ravaged by war. In some ways, it's not so different from the history he knows so well... it's just that the perpetrators are different.
There's too much here to read, to take in all at once, but even a cursory skim makes it clear why she'd reacted the way she had to that name at the black site, why she'd been so surprised and gratified when he had no idea who her ancestor was. Jim looks up at her, the bemused frown still tucked between his brows, and takes in the tension in her shoulders, the way she's holding herself like she expects to have to take a hit. ]
La'an...
[ He's never not known what to say, but then, he's never been presented with anything quite like this before, either. The best he can manage, as he latches onto his gut instinct is: ]
I'm sorry. But –
[ He shakes his head, grimacing as he tries to find the words for the what he's certain of, deep in his gut. ]
[ While he reads, she tries not to watch him despite wanting desperately to analyze every microexpression that crosses his handsome face. She stands at attention, her hands behind her back, but every muscle within her is tensed as her body struggles not to enter a fight or flight state. Fear and dread and the worst anxiety she's experienced in years vie for dominance within her, and for a few moments, she really does wonder if she might be physically ill.
She's preparing for the worst and expecting nothing less. His time's views on genetic modification were never made clear to her, and she has no idea if there were other atrocities that replaced what Khan had orchestrated. If James has personal ties to something like that, an ancestor who suffered... There's no part of her expecting things to continue on as they had been. She hopes, yes, but hope is like dreams; they're things you wake up from in order to face reality.
He speaks and she nearly flinches, that I'm sorry feeling like a swinging axe. But it doesn't land, and her hope swells more than it has any right to. ]
There are many in this time who don't see it that way. Genetic modification is not viewed kindly by the Federation because of my ancestor and those with modifications are not permitted to join Starfleet.
[ His frown is going absolutely nowhere. It might be permanently furrowed into his brow after this conversation. ]
But your captain sees it that way. Doesn't he?
[ He must, considering the way La'an had spoken of him earlier, with so much assurance and admiration. And the Starfleet she'd spoken of with so much feeling, so much faith – surely it hasn't alienated her due to a quirk of ancestry. She's his first introduction to Starfleet, and in his opinion, he can't imagine he could have had a better ambassador.
But things aren't so simple, apparently. Even in this utopia. ]
Your crew? They have your back?
[ Is she surrounded by friends? Or by people who'll test her at every turn? There's no doubting her ancestor was a monster, but that was generations ago. She can't possibly be the only person in Starfleet able to trace their lineage back to someone unsavory. ]
[ She wishes she could go back in time again to when they were laughing and smiling together in sickbay. Everything was easier then, even with the crushing weight of what could have been and nearly was. She wants to feel that brush of happiness again, hold it close to etch its memory on her heart. But there is no going back, and she has to face the present just like always. ]
Captain Pike trusted me from the moment he first met me. He trusted my instincts, my expertise. [ There's something in speaking about Chris that has a calming effect on her, a tiny amount of tension easing from her muscles as fondness again threads through her words. ] Even when I kept information from him due to my own distrust, he offered me a commission on the Enterprise. Because of that, this ship has become my home, and her crew, my family. They're the first I've had in a very long time.
[ He'll need to be told about that too. Another peek behind the curtain of what makes her tick. Another chapter in the tragic history of La'an Noonien-Singh. Another opportunity for his opinion of her to change, though she's not as worried about him seeing her as a victim. Surely, he's seen enough to know that she's fully capable despite her past trauma. ]
[ If all that's true, it can't be the context she'd first told him he needed. Why give him this information now, right before they meet with her captain? She could have waited, told him later, once he's had a chance to heal and to settle in, but she didn't. Which means it's related, somehow, to what she has to tell the Captain.
Jim lowers the PADD to the biobed and studies her closely. ]
This is about the name at that black site, isn't it? Your name. This name.
[ He gestures with the PADD, then offers it back to her, wondering. If she hadn't brought him back, and thus needed to explain him to her captain, would she have had to explain about the site at all? The UEF hadn't had any time travel regulations; he's not sure what she might be dealing with in order to do her duty here. ]
[ Beneath all that suave charm and ridiculous humor, he really is an exceptionally intelligent man. She's not at all surprised when he puts the pieces together on his own, connecting dots with what little information he has. Ever since they'd met on his Enterprise, he's rolled with the punches, facing each strange new situation with the same resiliency. With a mind like that, he truly wasn't meant to be a soldier.
Taking a deep breath, she nods and takes the PADD back, holding it behind her back while her head lowers slightly into her usual stance. ]
Yes. The Romulan operative was there to kill Khan in order to prevent the age of enlightenment that followed his atrocities and led to the founding of the Federation. When her plan to destroy the cold fusion reactor failed, she forced me to open the door to where Khan was being held. [ Her expression tightens, betraying just how conflicted she is over what happened only hours ago. ] He was just a little boy.
[ Therein lies the difference between her time and his: in his world, the atrocities never really ended, did they? Humanity destroyed their planet and took their war to the stars, where the Romulans had ensured they would find no allies.
Or want any. He thinks of the Vulcan commander who had hailed Enterprise right before he and La'an found themselves tossed back into time, and feels a confused pang of uncertain regret. Useless, when neither commander nor war exists any longer. And he couldn't have made a different call at the time, even if he'd wanted to.
But the trade-off for saving the human race from the never-ending war that was his time was... what, to save a future despot, a warlord responsible for the deaths of millions of people?
He stares at her as what she's saying sinks in, as he suddenly understands the reason for her worry, her tension. ]
A little boy... who grew up to be a monster. But a monster this timeline needed, in order to exist, right?
[ She'd said it herself. 'Led to the founding of the Federation.' ]
Yes. [ She says it softly, hating how true it was but not being able to deny it. It's why she'd made the choice she had. ] She offered me a chance to live in a timeline where I wasn't hated and feared because of my name. But I couldn't sacrifice the future of humanity just to make my life a little easier.
[ Anxiously shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she changes her stance, crossing her arms tightly in front of her with her shoulders slightly hunched. If she could curl up in a ball and hide from the world for just a little while, she would, but that's simply not an option right now. ]
I killed someone to protect a monster. And I know it needed to happen, the agent from Temporal Investigations made it clear I did the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I condemned thirty million people to die.
[ Part of his reasoning is a little selfish, maybe – he doesn't want to feel like he chose to destroy his whole timeline and everyone in it – but they're human. It's only natural to be a little selfish. ]
You made a choice to spare a child. The man that child became, he made his own choices, La'an. He could have chosen to remember the time someone spared him, and opted for mercy when he had the chance, but he didn't. That's still on him.
[ Jim shakes his head as firmly as he can, while it's against a biobed pillow. His voice, at least, he can make as assertive as if he were standing in front of her, asking her not to block him out with those crossed arms of hers. ] Not on you.
[ Or maybe he remembered the woman who spared him and then left him there, and that's what made him turn away from mercy. She doesn't say those words, but they're carved deep within her, adding to the unbearable weight of guilt she already carries. It's a weight she's learned to live with, though, and for every life she saves, it gets a little lighter. A life saved to atone for a life lost.
For the first time since they started this discussion, La'an looks at James properly, meeting his gaze and taking in that determined face that's both commanding and pleading for her to listen. And she wants to, she really does. Maybe if she pretends long enough, she'll actually believe it one day.
Taking the few steps needed to cross the space between them, she lowers her arms and finally takes his hand. She's so tired, her exhaustion bone-deep, but her expression softens when she feels the warmth of his skin. He's alive and safe because of the choice she made. Maybe that can be enough for now. ]
[ She takes his hand, and he curls his fingers around hers, studying her for a moment before he grins, cheeky. ]
Oh, don't thank me yet. I'm almost definitely going to be an enormous pain in the ass of your Federation. Like I told you before: I'm not sure any universe is big enough for two mes.
[ He's acting the clown for them both, right now: she needs to see it, and he needs to feel it, otherwise he's going to lose the fragile hold he currently has on himself. ]
I ought to be thanking you, in advance. You may wind up regretting bringing me along.
[ It's terrible what that grin does to her. Something flutters to life in her chest and she forgets, for a moment, that he'd been dying in her arms just hours ago. For her to have come so close to losing him and him now cracking jokes like it never happened... It's exactly what she needs. And maybe what he needs too.
There's no holding back her answering smile or the playful exasperation she feels at his antics. But as much of a pain in the ass as he might turn out to be, she wouldn't have it any other way. His intelligence and compassion aren't the only parts of him she finds attractive. ]
I'll never regret it. But fair warning, I might daydream about shoving you in an airlock from time to time.
As long as it's only daydreaming, I'm fine with it.
[ His own daydreams – the good ones – are probably going to be pretty different. He might feel like hell right now, but he's still a man in the prime of his life, and she's gorgeous, brave, brilliant, and loyal.
Not one of his current daydreams is really fit for bringing up when her captain could walk in any second, but he finds them much more pleasant to think about than... anything else. Like how her Enterprise looks like his, but the medical staff are smiling and cheerful, not strained and overworked. You could be an explorer, she'd said, but he doesn't have the first idea how to be anything but a soldier, to be anything other than at war. ]
If they ever let me out into the general populace, maybe you could give me a tour. So I know which airlocks to keep away from.
I'll be sure to mark them on a map for you so you don't forget.
[ She hopes that day comes soon. Seeing him lying there in bed like this is terrible, but she also just desperately wants to show him her time. He might know the Enterprise, but there's so much more. For the first time in... possibly ever, she wants to leave the ship during shore leave so she can show him the galaxy. All the planets humanity has spread to, all the species they've made alliances with. She wants to show him the paradise Earth has become.
The door whooshes open behind her and she turns, smile still in place and her hand still in James's, to see the captain standing in the doorway. ]
Sorry, am I interrupting something? [ There are many in positions of authority who would have layered those words with sarcasm or a snide tone, but not Christopher Pike. There is only genuine concern and curiosity in his voice as he looks between the familiar stranger and his chief of security, his surprise at seeing La'an actually smiling carefully concealed.
La'an gives James's hand a little squeeze before letting go, her hands moving behind her back to stand comfortably at attention. Her expression sobers to her usual seriousness, but there's still something almost lighter about her demeanor that doesn't go unnoticed by her superior officer. ]
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And it doesn't escape her notice how much she has smiled with him in the last few days. Without the shadow of judgment for her ancestor or tragic past, she's felt freer with him than she has with just about anyone. Yes, there are members of the Enterprise crew who have earned that level of trust from her, but it took months whereas with him it took only days. He'd stepped right past her walls without her even noticing, and now she can't imagine him ever being on the other side of them again. ]
I've trained my team well. They can handle things without me for a while longer. [ Between her tone and expression, it's clear just how proud she is of the crew under her leadership. Besides, she doesn't want to go anywhere either. Except she'll have to, just for a short time. ]
But if you're really up to it, I'll let Captain Pike know. I've already spoken with Nurse Chapel and Dr. M'Benga about moving you to a slightly more private area for our discussion, so they'll get you situated while I take care of a few things.
[ Like changing out of these 21st century clothes. His blood is still on her sleeve, dried and barely visible on the black fabric, but she'd felt the immense weight of it there every second she waited for him to wake up. ]
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[ Over the last few days, he's developed a strong sense of admiration for La'an: she's capable, competent, and smart, all things he finds completely irresistible. She's gorgeous, too, but that doesn't have much to do with how certain he is that she'd taught her team well. It's really just more of an added bonus, when he thinks about how she'd showed up on his bridge, out of everywhere in the timestream she could have wound up.
Regardless of everything else, everything he'll have to come to terms with, he can count himself lucky for that. ]
Don't worry about me. Talking, I can handle. And I'd rather wind up on your captain's good side, if at all possible.
[ He runs the pad of his thumb over her knuckles and gives her a reassuring smile. ]
And I promise to behave for your Nurse Chapel and Doctor M'Benga. I really ought to be thanking them, anyway.
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So long as you're yourself with him, I honestly don't think you'll have any trouble with the captain. As for Chapel and M'Benga... [ She gives him a playfully stern look, barely able to hold back her smile for proper effect. ] They're both war veterans and fully capable of handling whatever you throw at them. Which is not, by the way, a challenge.
[ Yes, that last bit was necessary. She's met him before. ]
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Wow. Where's the trust?
[ Would he have ever believed that this warm, playful woman could be one and the same with the security chief on a mission who'd arrived on his bridge if he hadn't lived through the last few days with her? People can be difficult for me, she'd said, but from where he's standing – well, laying – it's those people who are the ones missing out.
For himself, he's fascinated with each new side of her. Jim lifts her hand from his chest and raises it so he can press a kiss to her knuckles, gentle and lingering, before he finally lets her go. ]
Go ahead. I'll be right here when you get back. Well – I'll be wherever Chapel and M'Benga put me. Hopefully not in an airlock, but I guess that all depends on just what I do decide to throw at them.
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But she trusts him. With every fiber of her being, she trusts this man, which is a marvel in and of itself.
It's impossible to hide how that simple kiss affects her, her demeanor changing to almost nervous and a bit flustered, which is truly ridiculous. She's faced the Gorn multiple times and this is nothing compared to that. There is no reason whatsoever to be nervous with James Kirk. But still, she laughs at his antics, shaking her head as she stands. ]
If you do end up in an airlock, I won't be the least bit surprised. [ There's a gentle teasing to her words, and she gives his arm a soft squeeze before finally stepping back from the bed. ] I'll be back soon.
no subject
[ He says it cheerfully, then nods at her last statement, tosses her a wink.
The thing is, all of this teasing, it's not just to make her feel better – though that's definitely a large factor. It makes himself feel better, too. If he's smiling, if he's cracking jokes, if he's flirting, it couldn't have been all that serious a wound, right?
Except he knows it was. He'd have been dead, if not for her. Maybe he had been dead, even if only for a few moments. It's enough to get into a guy's head and really start messing things up in there.
She hasn't been gone for a whole thirty seconds before a willowy winter-blonde woman in a white nurse's uniform comes briskly in. Something about the way her lips twitch makes him think she's holding back a grin – that, and the look of pure delighted curiosity in her eyes.
For his part, Jim holds up a hand, gives her a wry smile back. ]
Uh, hi.
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La'an Noonien-Singh, I'm Agent Ymalay from the Department of Temporal Investigations.
What follows is a trying, emotionally-wrought conversation with one of the most infuriating people La'an has ever met. The woman thanks her for completing the mission and protecting the timeline, but in the next breath, she very properly tells her off for introducing another James Kirk to it. Apparently, the damage is not entirely irreparable, so he'll be allowed to remain, but La'an should 'count herself lucky' that there won't be further repercussions.
You sent me back to protect a mass murderer? I had to kill to protect him. I had to watch my fr—
But in typical bureaucratic fashion, the agent denies the accusation, twisting words to fit her needs. By the end of the conversation, if it can be called that, the usually stoic and composed chief of security is an emotional wreck, everything in her bursting out uncontrollably. The sobs leave her feeling wrung out and empty, her throat raw from the heaving cries, but still she pulls herself up off the couch. There are still things she needs to attend to, including a meeting with a captain who will likely have more questions than she has answers. ]
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[ No one should be able to put so much sly interest into a single syllable. ] How're you feeling?
[ He submits to her scans and ministrations, answers her questions honestly – none of which, he's sure, are the ones she's dying to ask, but she's perfectly professional as she reviews his vitals and makes a note in his file, as she supervises his transference onto a gurney so he can be moved into that more private room La'an had mentioned. He points out that he can probably walk; she points out that if he tries, and falls, and whacks his head, she might have to try to bring him back to life again, which effectively ends any further argument from him.
Best of all, she stays with him, once he's settled in the room, just to keep him company. She's kind and warm and funny, and he likes her pretty much immediately, despite his amusement at the questions she so clearly wants to be asking. It's nice to have someone there, though his glance returns again and again to the door, watching for La'an to come back through it. ]
no subject
With her PADD in hand, she heads back across the ship to Sickbay, the private recovery room just off the main facility. That seed of dread has bloomed in her gut and she feels almost sick with it, her steps faltering as she reaches his room. Pressing her roiling emotions back down where they belong, she takes a deep breath and opens the door, the whooshing sound feeling like a knife twisting in her stomach.
Honestly, she probably looks as terrible as she feels. She can tell that she's doing an awful job of hiding her exhaustion, and even Christine will be able to tell that her mood is off. Her usual professional demeanor can only explain so much of how close-off she's made herself, and how flat her voice sounds. It would have been better to put on an act but she just doesn't have the energy for it anymore. ]
Thank you for your assistance, Nurse Chapel. May we have some time alone? Captain Pike will be joining us shortly, and there are some things I need to discuss with Captain Kirk before he arrives.
[ She thanks the stars that her friend doesn't question her. About any of it. ]
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Once the door closes and they're alone, he reaches a hand to her, eyebrows drawing together in consternation. ]
La'an. What happened?
[ Did her captain wind up disappointing her with his reaction? Did he dress her down for the unspeakable crime of saving not only his life, but this whole damn timeline?
Damn this biobed and his injury; he can't even push himself up to sitting. The best he can do is hope she takes his hand and talks to him. ]
What's wrong?
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I had a... visitor. I'll fill you in when the captain arrives, but in the meantime, there are things you... need to know, in order to understand the full context of... [ Her words are as stiff as her movements while she activates the lightweight PADD and holds it out for his reaching hand to take. The file open on the screen is a formal summary of the crimes of Khan Noonien-Singh, the monster from whom she'd received her cursed genetics and her name. ]
Please, James. Just read it.
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Thirty million dead. Earth ravaged by war. In some ways, it's not so different from the history he knows so well... it's just that the perpetrators are different.
There's too much here to read, to take in all at once, but even a cursory skim makes it clear why she'd reacted the way she had to that name at the black site, why she'd been so surprised and gratified when he had no idea who her ancestor was. Jim looks up at her, the bemused frown still tucked between his brows, and takes in the tension in her shoulders, the way she's holding herself like she expects to have to take a hit. ]
La'an...
[ He's never not known what to say, but then, he's never been presented with anything quite like this before, either. The best he can manage, as he latches onto his gut instinct is: ]
I'm sorry. But –
[ He shakes his head, grimacing as he tries to find the words for the what he's certain of, deep in his gut. ]
– you know this isn't you, right? You're not him.
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She's preparing for the worst and expecting nothing less. His time's views on genetic modification were never made clear to her, and she has no idea if there were other atrocities that replaced what Khan had orchestrated. If James has personal ties to something like that, an ancestor who suffered... There's no part of her expecting things to continue on as they had been. She hopes, yes, but hope is like dreams; they're things you wake up from in order to face reality.
He speaks and she nearly flinches, that I'm sorry feeling like a swinging axe. But it doesn't land, and her hope swells more than it has any right to. ]
There are many in this time who don't see it that way. Genetic modification is not viewed kindly by the Federation because of my ancestor and those with modifications are not permitted to join Starfleet.
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But your captain sees it that way. Doesn't he?
[ He must, considering the way La'an had spoken of him earlier, with so much assurance and admiration. And the Starfleet she'd spoken of with so much feeling, so much faith – surely it hasn't alienated her due to a quirk of ancestry. She's his first introduction to Starfleet, and in his opinion, he can't imagine he could have had a better ambassador.
But things aren't so simple, apparently. Even in this utopia. ]
Your crew? They have your back?
[ Is she surrounded by friends? Or by people who'll test her at every turn? There's no doubting her ancestor was a monster, but that was generations ago. She can't possibly be the only person in Starfleet able to trace their lineage back to someone unsavory. ]
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Captain Pike trusted me from the moment he first met me. He trusted my instincts, my expertise. [ There's something in speaking about Chris that has a calming effect on her, a tiny amount of tension easing from her muscles as fondness again threads through her words. ] Even when I kept information from him due to my own distrust, he offered me a commission on the Enterprise. Because of that, this ship has become my home, and her crew, my family. They're the first I've had in a very long time.
[ He'll need to be told about that too. Another peek behind the curtain of what makes her tick. Another chapter in the tragic history of La'an Noonien-Singh. Another opportunity for his opinion of her to change, though she's not as worried about him seeing her as a victim. Surely, he's seen enough to know that she's fully capable despite her past trauma. ]
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Jim lowers the PADD to the biobed and studies her closely. ]
This is about the name at that black site, isn't it? Your name. This name.
[ He gestures with the PADD, then offers it back to her, wondering. If she hadn't brought him back, and thus needed to explain him to her captain, would she have had to explain about the site at all? The UEF hadn't had any time travel regulations; he's not sure what she might be dealing with in order to do her duty here. ]
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Taking a deep breath, she nods and takes the PADD back, holding it behind her back while her head lowers slightly into her usual stance. ]
Yes. The Romulan operative was there to kill Khan in order to prevent the age of enlightenment that followed his atrocities and led to the founding of the Federation. When her plan to destroy the cold fusion reactor failed, she forced me to open the door to where Khan was being held. [ Her expression tightens, betraying just how conflicted she is over what happened only hours ago. ] He was just a little boy.
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Or want any. He thinks of the Vulcan commander who had hailed Enterprise right before he and La'an found themselves tossed back into time, and feels a confused pang of uncertain regret. Useless, when neither commander nor war exists any longer. And he couldn't have made a different call at the time, even if he'd wanted to.
But the trade-off for saving the human race from the never-ending war that was his time was... what, to save a future despot, a warlord responsible for the deaths of millions of people?
He stares at her as what she's saying sinks in, as he suddenly understands the reason for her worry, her tension. ]
A little boy... who grew up to be a monster. But a monster this timeline needed, in order to exist, right?
[ She'd said it herself. 'Led to the founding of the Federation.' ]
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[ Anxiously shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she changes her stance, crossing her arms tightly in front of her with her shoulders slightly hunched. If she could curl up in a ball and hide from the world for just a little while, she would, but that's simply not an option right now. ]
I killed someone to protect a monster. And I know it needed to happen, the agent from Temporal Investigations made it clear I did the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I condemned thirty million people to die.
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[ Part of his reasoning is a little selfish, maybe – he doesn't want to feel like he chose to destroy his whole timeline and everyone in it – but they're human. It's only natural to be a little selfish. ]
You made a choice to spare a child. The man that child became, he made his own choices, La'an. He could have chosen to remember the time someone spared him, and opted for mercy when he had the chance, but he didn't. That's still on him.
[ Jim shakes his head as firmly as he can, while it's against a biobed pillow. His voice, at least, he can make as assertive as if he were standing in front of her, asking her not to block him out with those crossed arms of hers. ] Not on you.
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For the first time since they started this discussion, La'an looks at James properly, meeting his gaze and taking in that determined face that's both commanding and pleading for her to listen. And she wants to, she really does. Maybe if she pretends long enough, she'll actually believe it one day.
Taking the few steps needed to cross the space between them, she lowers her arms and finally takes his hand. She's so tired, her exhaustion bone-deep, but her expression softens when she feels the warmth of his skin. He's alive and safe because of the choice she made. Maybe that can be enough for now. ]
Thank you. [ For so many things. ]
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Oh, don't thank me yet. I'm almost definitely going to be an enormous pain in the ass of your Federation. Like I told you before: I'm not sure any universe is big enough for two mes.
[ He's acting the clown for them both, right now: she needs to see it, and he needs to feel it, otherwise he's going to lose the fragile hold he currently has on himself. ]
I ought to be thanking you, in advance. You may wind up regretting bringing me along.
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There's no holding back her answering smile or the playful exasperation she feels at his antics. But as much of a pain in the ass as he might turn out to be, she wouldn't have it any other way. His intelligence and compassion aren't the only parts of him she finds attractive. ]
I'll never regret it. But fair warning, I might daydream about shoving you in an airlock from time to time.
[ She's joking, of course. Mostly. ]
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[ His own daydreams – the good ones – are probably going to be pretty different. He might feel like hell right now, but he's still a man in the prime of his life, and she's gorgeous, brave, brilliant, and loyal.
Not one of his current daydreams is really fit for bringing up when her captain could walk in any second, but he finds them much more pleasant to think about than... anything else. Like how her Enterprise looks like his, but the medical staff are smiling and cheerful, not strained and overworked. You could be an explorer, she'd said, but he doesn't have the first idea how to be anything but a soldier, to be anything other than at war. ]
If they ever let me out into the general populace, maybe you could give me a tour. So I know which airlocks to keep away from.
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[ She hopes that day comes soon. Seeing him lying there in bed like this is terrible, but she also just desperately wants to show him her time. He might know the Enterprise, but there's so much more. For the first time in... possibly ever, she wants to leave the ship during shore leave so she can show him the galaxy. All the planets humanity has spread to, all the species they've made alliances with. She wants to show him the paradise Earth has become.
The door whooshes open behind her and she turns, smile still in place and her hand still in James's, to see the captain standing in the doorway. ]
Sorry, am I interrupting something? [ There are many in positions of authority who would have layered those words with sarcasm or a snide tone, but not Christopher Pike. There is only genuine concern and curiosity in his voice as he looks between the familiar stranger and his chief of security, his surprise at seeing La'an actually smiling carefully concealed.
La'an gives James's hand a little squeeze before letting go, her hands moving behind her back to stand comfortably at attention. Her expression sobers to her usual seriousness, but there's still something almost lighter about her demeanor that doesn't go unnoticed by her superior officer. ]
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