[ She shouldn't. Letting him stay is a bad idea, and telling him about James is even worse. But one look at him is enough to convince her that those bad ideas might be okay. With everything else already so horribly messed up, she can't make things worse, right? And he's already seen her fall apart once in the last twelve hours, so what's one more time?
Another sob tries to climb out of her throat and she bites it down with a quiet choked sound, closing her eyes and bowing her head. But then a moment later she's moving across the room, her bare feet carrying her swiftly toward the locked compartment in the far wall. She opens it with practiced ease, the drawer sliding out with a hushed click, and then she opens the secure case within. When she turns back toward him, it's with the watch clutched in her hand, but she doesn't draw attention to it as she sits on the couch.
She feels the slightest bit calmer with the watch in her grasp. It's become like a security blanket, the only physical evidence she has that she didn't dream it all up. ]
He played chess on our first day together. We needed money and he played people in the park to earn it. [ The explanation comes out easily and her heart feels lighter. Now someone else knows too. ]
[ He's half expecting her to shove him out of the room despite his offer, and he can't quite explain the relief that washes over him when she doesn't. He's already so entangled with her--and he shouldn't be. She's right that there are Complications, that he hasn't known her long, that he has no obligation to her.
And still.
He watches as she walks to the drawers, collects something (he thinks it's a watch, but he doesn't demand to see it--instead focusing on the way her hands curl around it, both protecting it and drawing strength from its presence) and settles on the couch.
When it's clear she really isn't going to ask him to leave again he makes his way over, slowly, perching on the edge of the couch near her. At the explanation, he nods, slight smile ghosting across his face before it's gone ]
And here I am, looking just like him and asking if you want to play chess [ He hazards, putting the pieces together ] The Universe isn't letting you catch much of a break tonight, is it?
[ The words are gentle, teasing, almost, though the object of the teasing is more the events that have transpired instead of her -- maybe it's a bad attempt at a joke, a way to lighten the mood. He wants to reach out and settle a hand on her knee, but he doesn't, keeping his hands to himself for the moment. Jim doesn't want to make it worse ]
So other me was pretty good at hustling people? I like him more the more I hear about him.
[ a quiet invitation for her to keep talking, if she wants ]
[ Her hands stay wrapped around the watch in her lap, cradling it like it's the most precious thing in the world. And for her, it very well might be — if the ship were going down and she could only take one physical item with her, it might be the one she grabbed. Not her graduation certificate, or the starfish from her first trip with Una, but this relic of a time only she will ever remember.
She curls in on herself a little, her head bent forward so her hair falls over her shoulders, but she doesn't hide. Her walls are too damaged to put back up tonight, so this is the best she can do to protect herself from the emotional onslaught looming around every corner. ]
They all enjoyed it. [ Despite how much it hurts to think of him and their time together, the fondness she feels for the other James Tiberius Kirk shines through the pain. ] Everyone smiled and shook his hand, and he was so pleased with himself. He said he used to play with his first officer until she got tired of losing, and then he tried to order me to eat a hot dog.
[ The last actually brings a watery laugh out of her, though her smile fades after a moment. ] We were walking by the water and he... He stopped to look at the sunset. He'd never seen one before.
[ It's strange, hearing about a version of himself and knowing that parts of the story fit with exactly how he would conduct himself, and the other half is--completely foreign. She curls into herself, telling the story and even gives him a pained laugh, and he can't help it anymore, he has to reach out, to settle a hand on her back, quiet assurance he's here and he's listening.
He arches an eyebrow at the comment because how can you not have seen a sunset? but it's the only outward reaction he gives.
Instead of questioning, he hazards a guess: ] Earth was pretty different where he was from?
[ Her muscles relax slightly when she feels his hand on her back, the warmth of his touch sinking in through the fabric of her shirt. His touch soothes her soul in a way she can't even begin to explain, and she doesn't want to acknowledge what that means.
Glancing over at him, she catches the last glimmer of that arched eyebrow, and so she has to explain. It's suddenly vitally important that he understands what sort of life shaped the other James Kirk. ] It was a wasteland. He said the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for a thousand years.
[ Even now, she has trouble grasping what it would be like to live in a galaxy like that. ] In his timeline, humanity had colonized a few planets, but... We didn't have allies. The Federation didn't exist, and we were losing a war with the Romulans.
[ She thinks of the way James and turned aside Spock's plea for help even after hearing how disastrous it would be for the Vulcans. The look on Spock's face... Jim doesn't need to know about that part. It might be ridiculous for her to feel protective of a man who no longer exists, especially given who that man was, but she doesn't want Jim to think badly of his other self. ]
[ 'the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for years'--he doesn't know why that sticks in his head. Gives him pause. He takes a moment to think about it, how that might change his life--not growing up on Earth. There not being an earth to come back to.
She continues and it only compounds the image in his head; a war with Romulans, a lack of the federation, only knowing a few planets instead of the expanse of space they have to explore now. No wonder--
--well, no wonder the man was different. Stopped to look at a sunset that Jim probably wouldn't have noticed. Ordered La'an to eat hotdogs. Hustled strangers for chess and had a great time doing it. She's not wrong, that Jim would struggle with the idea of himself turning down helping someone who was in need--but she doesn't share, so he doesn't have to factor that in his assessment.
La'an doesn't shake off his hand and so he leaves it there, pressed against her back, taking as much comfort from being able to touch her (to assure himself she's here, she's fine, she's with him) as she might take from him. ] So he grew up in a warzone and then ended up in the past with you.
[ he offers a smile, and a poor attempt to diffuse the tension ] At least he had a decent guide.
[ Another glance in Jim's direction has her smiling, just slightly, because she appreciates that attempt more than she can say. It doesn't entirely work, but it helps. He may not be her James, but he really is a good man all on his own merit. ]
I didn't let him order me around. He was a captain, but not Starfleet, so I argued with him and took charge and... I think it irritated him, at first. And then it didn't.
[ She looks back down at the watch in her hands as she thinks back to one of the last moments they'd shared. Her thumbs trace the curved edge of the watchface and it hurts so much to remember that moment with him on the street. The hope she'd felt that perhaps he could come with her, that this thing between them might not end in pain and heartache for her. But it had, and now she's sitting with a man who looks just like him, and— ]
I'm sorry. I know this has to be strange for you. And I know you're not him. [ Her voice strains almost to the point of breaking. ] I know that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Another sob tries to climb out of her throat and she bites it down with a quiet choked sound, closing her eyes and bowing her head. But then a moment later she's moving across the room, her bare feet carrying her swiftly toward the locked compartment in the far wall. She opens it with practiced ease, the drawer sliding out with a hushed click, and then she opens the secure case within. When she turns back toward him, it's with the watch clutched in her hand, but she doesn't draw attention to it as she sits on the couch.
She feels the slightest bit calmer with the watch in her grasp. It's become like a security blanket, the only physical evidence she has that she didn't dream it all up. ]
He played chess on our first day together. We needed money and he played people in the park to earn it. [ The explanation comes out easily and her heart feels lighter. Now someone else knows too. ]
no subject
And still.
He watches as she walks to the drawers, collects something (he thinks it's a watch, but he doesn't demand to see it--instead focusing on the way her hands curl around it, both protecting it and drawing strength from its presence) and settles on the couch.
When it's clear she really isn't going to ask him to leave again he makes his way over, slowly, perching on the edge of the couch near her. At the explanation, he nods, slight smile ghosting across his face before it's gone ]
And here I am, looking just like him and asking if you want to play chess [ He hazards, putting the pieces together ] The Universe isn't letting you catch much of a break tonight, is it?
[ The words are gentle, teasing, almost, though the object of the teasing is more the events that have transpired instead of her -- maybe it's a bad attempt at a joke, a way to lighten the mood. He wants to reach out and settle a hand on her knee, but he doesn't, keeping his hands to himself for the moment. Jim doesn't want to make it worse ]
So other me was pretty good at hustling people? I like him more the more I hear about him.
[ a quiet invitation for her to keep talking, if she wants ]
no subject
She curls in on herself a little, her head bent forward so her hair falls over her shoulders, but she doesn't hide. Her walls are too damaged to put back up tonight, so this is the best she can do to protect herself from the emotional onslaught looming around every corner. ]
They all enjoyed it. [ Despite how much it hurts to think of him and their time together, the fondness she feels for the other James Tiberius Kirk shines through the pain. ] Everyone smiled and shook his hand, and he was so pleased with himself. He said he used to play with his first officer until she got tired of losing, and then he tried to order me to eat a hot dog.
[ The last actually brings a watery laugh out of her, though her smile fades after a moment. ] We were walking by the water and he... He stopped to look at the sunset. He'd never seen one before.
no subject
He arches an eyebrow at the comment because how can you not have seen a sunset? but it's the only outward reaction he gives.
Instead of questioning, he hazards a guess: ] Earth was pretty different where he was from?
no subject
Glancing over at him, she catches the last glimmer of that arched eyebrow, and so she has to explain. It's suddenly vitally important that he understands what sort of life shaped the other James Kirk. ] It was a wasteland. He said the clouds of ash wouldn't settle for a thousand years.
[ Even now, she has trouble grasping what it would be like to live in a galaxy like that. ] In his timeline, humanity had colonized a few planets, but... We didn't have allies. The Federation didn't exist, and we were losing a war with the Romulans.
[ She thinks of the way James and turned aside Spock's plea for help even after hearing how disastrous it would be for the Vulcans. The look on Spock's face... Jim doesn't need to know about that part. It might be ridiculous for her to feel protective of a man who no longer exists, especially given who that man was, but she doesn't want Jim to think badly of his other self. ]
no subject
She continues and it only compounds the image in his head; a war with Romulans, a lack of the federation, only knowing a few planets instead of the expanse of space they have to explore now. No wonder--
--well, no wonder the man was different. Stopped to look at a sunset that Jim probably wouldn't have noticed. Ordered La'an to eat hotdogs. Hustled strangers for chess and had a great time doing it. She's not wrong, that Jim would struggle with the idea of himself turning down helping someone who was in need--but she doesn't share, so he doesn't have to factor that in his assessment.
La'an doesn't shake off his hand and so he leaves it there, pressed against her back, taking as much comfort from being able to touch her (to assure himself she's here, she's fine, she's with him) as she might take from him. ] So he grew up in a warzone and then ended up in the past with you.
[ he offers a smile, and a poor attempt to diffuse the tension ] At least he had a decent guide.
no subject
I didn't let him order me around. He was a captain, but not Starfleet, so I argued with him and took charge and... I think it irritated him, at first. And then it didn't.
[ She looks back down at the watch in her hands as she thinks back to one of the last moments they'd shared. Her thumbs trace the curved edge of the watchface and it hurts so much to remember that moment with him on the street. The hope she'd felt that perhaps he could come with her, that this thing between them might not end in pain and heartache for her. But it had, and now she's sitting with a man who looks just like him, and— ]
I'm sorry. I know this has to be strange for you. And I know you're not him. [ Her voice strains almost to the point of breaking. ] I know that.