Hey, hey, easy-- [ he tries to soothe, pressing down his own startle at her adamant refusal in the name of keeping her calm. His hand comes up to the nape of her neck (the good side) almost out of instinct, thumb rubbing a gentle pattern over the sensitive skin there, bringing her forehead forward to press against his if she allows it.
Jim draws in a breath; slow, measured, steady. Trying to get her to mimic it due to their closeness without saying the words. Trying to settle her and the panic tinging her words. It's only when she looks a little less haunted (just a little, but he'll take an incremental win right now, if he can get it) that he pulls back, holds up the dermal ]
No sedation. Just this. Promise [ he offers her a smile: it's not his usually, it's too tinged with worry to be that, but it is encouraging ] I'm following your orders right now, Lieutenant. You're in charge.
[ he's not going to do anything she doesn't want, even if he does think it'd be better for her if she rested. There's time for bossing her around later. ]
[ Only Jim Kirk could touch her in this state and keep his fingers intact. His hand covers her skin and her racing heart immediately calms, her body recognizing his as safe long before her mind catches up. His forehead against hers brings back that same ache from before, the same reminder that he isn't her James, but she doesn't care. In this moment, he's the only thing keeping her from screaming out her pain and sorrow, so she gives into the need to be close to him, her breathing following his and that panic subsiding enough to continue with what needs to be done.
It feels strange when he pulls back, but she nods at his words, appreciating that he lays things out that way. Even the slightest bit of control over this situation is enough to keep her heartrate from rocketing back up. ]
Damn the ramparts, Lieutenant. [ It's not the correct phrase, but to this day, no one has corrected Chris whenever he uses it. There's something charming in the words, and La'an clings to them as she prepares herself for the stinging pain of skin rapidly generating and knitting together. Her shoulder is a mess, the claws leaving jagged tears, but the wounds are already exposed and ready for treatment.
And the pain is... more than she'd expected. Her stronger hand clings to the edge of the bed as he works, and her complexion pales further as she holds back her reactions to the sensations that are nearly as bad as the injury itself. But she can't show how much it hurts. She might not be their leader anymore, but the people in this room still expect her to be the strongest of them all and she will not prove them wrong. ]
Full speed ahead [ he agrees, quietly, pulling back to take in the entirety of her wound. This close he can see the damage she sustained and it isn't pretty. His curiosity, that driving need to know tugs at him and he wants to ask what happened down there but he's not an idiot and he keeps his mouth shut.
There'll be time to find out the stories later, when they're not so fresh in her mind that he feels like he can see them in the fear in her eyes. Right now he needs to get her back into one piece.
The dermal regenerator begins its work, knitting together soft tissue, muscles, and finally her skin, repairing the damage until there's no outward sign of the things she's gone through, her skin refreshed and clean, repaired in a way that could deceive someone looking into thinking she's okay.
Jim knows better.
When he finally pulls back it's to look her up and down, checking for any other cuts or bruises, any more signs she might be headed toward shock ]
[ Anyone else probably would have gone into shock long before he finishes the procedure, and it's quite possible that the only thing holding La'an back is sheer stubborn will. She's spent most of her life training her body to do only what she wants it to and she refuses to let go of that control now when she's so close. To freedom. To the nearest thing to peace she can ever find. To being able to shed this facade and allow herself to finally fall apart the way she needs.
The La'an of a year ago would have balked at the thought of letting go of her hold over her emotions. The La'an of today actually learned something from the hours of therapy and accepts that sometimes letting go of your own volition is the only way to ultimately maintain that control she values so much. If she doesn't choose the time, her mind will choose it for her when it finally reaches a breaking point, and that is something she can't afford.
There are no other visible injuries, everything hidden still beneath layers of clothing, but there's nothing even remotely life-threatening. And some part of her needs for those little reminders to stay so she doesn't start to think it was all just some terrible dream.
Reaching up, her fingers gently prod the tender but now healed shoulder, and after a moment she nods. ] Thank you for your help, Jim.
[ Jim, not James. Because she needs to remember that distinction now. She's about to say something more when Joseph M'Benga appears at the bed with a hypo in one hand and an assortment of vials in the other. He looks as exhausted as she feels, but he'd made it out of their encounter with only a few scrapes and bruises himself, for which she is beyond grateful. At her questioning look at the vials, he gives a shake of his head. ]
No sedatives, just something for infection and some vitamin supplements. [ One by one, he administers each spray with near-tactical precision, and then he loads one last vial in and holds the hypo out to Jim. ] For pain, if she'll allow it. Make sure she eats something.
[ The chief medical officer is gone again before she can protest, turning his attention to yet another patient. She tries not to be irritated; she knows he means well, but there's still a slight bite to her words as she informs Jim ] I don't need that.
Always so formal [ he tries to lighten the mood, tries to draw out a smile but his efforts are interrupted by M'Benga giving her what she needs to be dismissed. The sprays go easy and she takes them without a fight. He doesn't move his hand away from her, but he does move to give her some space and to let the doctor work.
Jim takes the hypo with a nod (he'll use it if she needs it--better to have it than to not) and slips it into a pocket. At her words, he raises his hands: showing they're empty, that he means no harm ]
I won't use it unless you ask [ he promises, voice sincere. Following your orders, remember ] but let's get you out of here. See if we can get you something to eat--something that's actually made and not just synthesized.
[ if you thought he was leaving you alone once he saw you were 'fixed', La'an, you don't know him very well at all ] Can you stand?
[ She wants to argue, but she also knows there are times when one needs to pick their battles. Even if he isn't her Jim, she trusts him to keep his word and not use the spray against her will, so she lets it slide, certain that he'll be returning the hypo to sickbay later with its vial unused. ]
Yes. [ It's short but not irritated, only tired. And stand she does, taking it slow so her body doesn't sway as her weight shifts and exhausted muscles strain to keep her upright. After a few moments, she feels confident enough to walk, and she manages to move toward the door without falling flat on her face. She even waits until they reach the hallway and the sickbay doors whoosh closed behind them before she turns to dismiss him. ] I can manage on my own, Jim. You should be with your brother.
[ It takes everything that makes up James Tiberius Kirk to not reach out and steady her when she stands. It's not that he doesn't think she can do it (he knows she can--she is, without a doubt, one of the most competent people he's ever met; it's at least half of what makes her so damn compelling to him) but more that she was right when she accused him of being someone who couldn't walk past someone in need.
He's a fixer who hates not being able to do something tangible about a problem.
But he lets her stand on her own, partly because he values keeping all of his limbs in one piece and not taking an elbow to the gut, and partly because he thinks she might need to see for herself that she can do it. He hovers though--one hand near the small of her back, ready to catch her if she falls.
At her admonition, he cocks an eyebrow--expression asking the 'are you serious, right now?' so he doesn't have to say the words aloud. She may miss it, in the state she's in, but it's there to read if she wants to notice ] Sam's checking on the science yeomans. And his--are they experiments? Pets? I don't really know the proper terminology here.
He'll be fine without me for a few hours. [ a beat, quiet tension while he debates something before he lets his hand settle on her back fully, fingers spread wide as he looks down at her ] Let me at least get you into your quarters?
[ It's the please that nearly breaks her. Everything in her rational mind is telling her this is a bad idea. Jim should be with his brother, he could help Sam feel more settled with stepping back into normal life, something she knows every single person rescued today will struggle with in the months ahead. And yet, even with all that rational thought, her body reacts to his touch, leaning her weight just slightly back to press into his hand and strengthen that small connection.
This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. But that please... The way he'd stayed close while still letting her support herself... That look in his eyes. Try as she might, she can't bring herself to turn him away. ]
Alright. [ Permission granted, she takes a deep breath and turns to move down the hall to the turbolift. Her steps are slower now, though whether it's from the exhaustion or the hope he'll keep his hand on her back, she couldn't say for certain.
She doesn't speak while they walk, her only words in the turbolift to dictate where to go, and when they finally reach her quarters, she doesn't prevent him from following her inside. But when the door closes behind them and she turns to properly address him again, her gaze catches on the full-length mirror she used before every shift to check her uniform. The person staring back at her isn't one she recognizes. The torn combat uniform. The braids that anything but smooth and orderly. The empty look in her eyes. She can't turn away, and she can feel things begin to break inside of her. ]
[ When she doesn't shrug him off or twist away, he keeps his hand where it is, reminding himself through the feel of her warmth that she's here, that she's alive. MIA, but not dead. Recovered. They got them out. Both of them--all of them, but also the two that matter most to one particular almost first officer.
He doesn't press her to talk, just walks beside her, supporting what he can as he trails her to her quarters, ushers her through the door.
Jim's expecting her to try and chase him out again once the door is shut. He's already working up an argument in his head, trying to anticipate her arguments and his counters, five steps ahead--it's the only reason he can give for why he doesn't realize, at first, that something's wrong. That's she's spinning.
When she doesn't say anything the half-formed counter dies on his lips and he looks at her, really looks at her and his exhale comes out a soft curse. Broad hands come up to settle against her; one at her hip, one at her neck, framing her as much as he can as he tries to ground her back here, back on the ship, back with him ]
La'an [ He's Jim, name James, and he doesn't use her name all that often, preferring to use her rank as endearment, but he uses it now, trying to drag her out of the place she's sliding in her head. He's been there--not this time, not like this, but he's seen things too--he knows the sort of horrors that can wait in the mind. ] Hey, hey-- Look at me, okay? Look at me.
[ The hand on her neck slides down, grips her wrist and draws it up, pressing it over the left side of his chest, his own hand cupping over it and pushing down, hoping she'll be able to feel his heartbeat through the fabric ] You're okay. La'an, you're okay--
[ He doesn't mean to. Looking back, she'll know he didn't intend for it to happen. But in the moment, she hates him and loves him for those words. A living, breathing Jim Kirk saying those words to her when she can still remember the feeling of James dying in her arms while she said them to him? It breaks her, utterly and completely.
She can feel his heartbeat beneath her hand but it does little to anchor her as the room tilts and blurs, the galaxy falling away as the damn breaks. Her free hand grabs hold of his arm as she struggles to breathe, her throat tightening in an attempt to hold back the sobs that force their way out of her. The tears burn her eyes, and her skin, and she hates that he's seeing her like this.
Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe, to stand, to remember. A knife tears through her soul and bares her pain for all the world to see, and all she can do is cling to the only witness who matters, the man who can break her with a single word and who might be the only one who can put her back together. ]
[ The first sob rips out of her and shatters Jim's heart. What he wouldn't give to take the pain from her. He'd--switch places in an instant, if it'd give her relief. But he isn't a damn miracle worker even if he refuses to accept defeat, so he knows the best he can do right now is hold her, let her break against him and be strong enough for them both. He may not be her James, but in this moment he can see how easy it was for another version of him to love her.
His arms shift to wrap around her, pressing her fully against him as she sobs, as she struggles to catch her breath. She's tiny, when it comes down to it. He hasn't noticed before because she carries herself with such a confidence and presence she feels tall, but cradled against him like this he can nearly wrap himself around her. He tries it now, tucking her under his chin, holding her close as she shakes.
Jim speaks, but there's no tangible sense to the words coming out of his mouth; just murmurs of assurance, promises that he's got her, that he's not going anywhere, that's she's okay and she can let go if she wants, let it all out. That she did it, that she got them back, kept them safe, kept them alive. ]
[ She falls apart and he holds her together. His words hurt as much as they heal. His arms keep the broken parts of her from scattering across the floor, and she clings to him because this is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Control of her mind and body slips through her fingers as they clutch at the fabric of his uniform, the rich gold slowly being stained by the grime and dried blood covering her own.
Time blurs again and she doesn't know whether it's minutes or hours that pass. All she knows is that, somehow, she finally knows what it's like to have the arms of James Kirk wrapped around her. If only she could properly appreciate the strength and warmth of them or the way they make her feel safe and protected. It's wrong, she knows. He didn't sign up for this. He has no reason to help her like this. But still, she doesn't push him away, not even when the sobs finally calm to little more than ragged breaths and intermittent trembles. ]
I lied. [ Her voice is rough, the syllables pulled over the broken glass of her throat, but it's the words themselves that hurt most of all. ] I lied to them.
[ She should step away, put distance between them, and keep this truth to herself. He doesn't deserve to be burdened with all her secrets. But she stays where she is, letting him hold a little more of her weight, and the confession continues. ] I told them we could all make it if they just did what I said, but I knew we wouldn't. I knew they would die. Painfully. Horribly. So afraid... I knew I couldn't save them all and I lied.
[ he doesn't keep track of how long he holds her, how long she cries against him. It's enough that his uniform is wet with her tears but he doesn't pull away--wouldn't dream of it. He just keeps her close until the sobs turn into a slower shake of her shoulders and then even less than that. She's not out of the woods, he's pretty sure they both know that. Grief like this, trauma like this, it comes in waves; each one doing its damned best to knock you off your feet.
At least right now he can be the buoy she can cling to so maybe she doesn't have to tread water quite as much.
The words are rough, her pain slicing into him and leaving his heart bleeding for her, even though he didn't see any real action on the planet. She speaks and he holds her even tighter though he didn't think it was possible--he's not sure if someone walking in right now would know where one of them started and the other one ended if not for the stark difference in the color and state of their uniforms.
But when the last word slips out he does pull away, just enough, carefully, holding both her arms at the elbows until he reaches out to tuck up her chin encouraging her to meet his eyes ] Hey, hey. Look at me. Without you every single person on that planet would have died. All of them. Sam. Ortegas. M'Benga.
You didn't save everyone--you couldn't have saved everyone, but you saved them. You saved so many people. [ he can't help it, his hand brushes over her face, wiping away the tracks of her tears, eyes meeting hers and holding them ] You did enough, La'an. You did good.
[ The thing about survivor's guilt? It's not logical. The mind's response to trauma as a whole makes no sense, but the stages of survivor's guilt are something she is all too familiar with. The guilt over staying alive while people all around her died. The guilt of not doing more to keep those people safe. And, all too quickly, the guilt over what she had done — not to protect everyone, but to protect just one person.
She shouldn't tell him. No one should ever know this secret. But he holds her so gently, each touch trying to smooth the rough edges of her soul, that without her permission, her mouth opens and the words come out. ]
I would have let them die to save him.
[ It takes everything in her not to bury herself in his arms again. The temptation to wrap herself around him and never let go is so strong that she nearly takes a physical step back, his hands on her the only thing keeping her where she stands.
She didn't do enough. She couldn't. Not when only one of them might have a chance. ]
Him? [ it takes Jim longer than he wants to admit to follow what she's saying, to try and click the pieces into place. The people she went down with--the only men he can put together that would be worth sacrificing those she didn't know are M'Benga and--
And Sam.
M'Benga was in a different party when they started moving groups up. Sam was--Sam was right next to her. Sam was completely unharmed. Sam looked like he had a rough go of it, sure, because they all had, but--]
You kept my brother alive.
[ The words tumble out, jagged around the surprising lump in his throat. He'd panicked when he heard Sam was missing, would have done his best to tear down the galaxy between the Farragut and the Enterprise to get him back, but she's the reason his brother's still here. Still with them ] La'an--
[ she may be resisting the urge to curl into him, but he's not going to resist the urge he has to pull her back in, wrapping strong arms around her, burying his nose in the tangle of her hair, tugged half-free from her usual tidy braids ]
[ Some part of her expected him to hate her for what she'd done; perhaps it's the part of her that hates herself for it. Does he understand what she would have been willing to do? Had anyone told him about her past? About the Gorn ritual? No one could be this grateful to her for letting people die.
Only she'd seen the look on James's face when he'd learned this Sam was still alive. That grief and hope haunted her dreams and she knows in her heart that he wouldn't have faulted her for anything she might have done to save Sam's life... Except for maybe that final step.
She doesn't deserve to be held like this, but she melts into his embrace anyway, holding on with what little strength she has left. And even though she hadn't explained to Sam, she can't not explain to Jim. ] The other you — he lost his brother. I couldn't bear for you to lose yours.
[ No one's told him about her history, not at length. Una and Pike gave him some of a rundown, a few bits of information here and there that they dropped about the mission giving him a few ideas. 'They have a better shot with La'an down there', from Una, eyes worried, speaking across the table to Pike. Later, Pike murmured when he thought Jim couldn't hear: 'She'll take weeks to recover from this once we get them back. Is this the same planet?' and Una's shaken head.
He's got half a puzzle with a few pieces put in and no idea what picture it makes.
Sometime he'll ask her about it, when it's less raw.
She melts against him and he can't resist the urge to press a brief, fleeting kiss against the top of her head. He doesn't even know if she'll feel it, but it helps--a quiet, nonverbal thank you ]
La'an. [ There's more emotion in her name than he means there to be, realizing how close he was to losing his brother wrapped around it, with his gratitude threaded in ] I--you--
Come here. [ It's all he can say, and all he can do to tuck her even closer. How has this woman worked her way so deeply under his skin? Into his heart? Things like this are a start. ]
[ Was that a... She can't tell, the feeling so barely there that it could have been her imagination. A longing for what she can't have, nothing more. She can't let herself hope for more, not even when he says her name like that. There's so much in those two syllables she can't even begin to define, so she doesn't try. All that matters is the Kirk brothers are both safe, as they should be.
Jim is solid and warm and so strong. With his arms around her, she can almost pretend that she really is okay. For just a moment, there's nothing wrong in her world — but it's dangerous to linger too long in moments like those. She can't allow her reality to fracture more than it already has. ]
He's going to need you. [ Softly, she tries to help him the way no one else on the ship can. ] To help remind him he isn't there anymore, and to understand when he can't just be his old self again.
I'll help him [ It's an assurance. A promise. She got him back and Jim isn't going to let him get lost again, even if the place he could get lost is his own mind. They may not always see eye to eye--okay, admittedly, that's an understatement--but they're still brothers ] I promise, I'll help him.
But he-- [ a moment's hesitation, because he doesn't want to admit it, as true as it is ] --he won't want to see me right now. He's my brother, he loves me, but when he's hurting like this--
He needs his friends.
[ It's whispered into her hair, confessed more than admitted. No, he'll make his way to Sam, help him work through whatever he needs, try to be whatever he needs, but--right now? Right now he's staying right here. Unless she throws him out herself ]
And you need me. [ probably not entirely true. Una could replace him right now. Maybe even Pike. Her friends--not a man she's only met a few times, no matter how drawn they feel to each other, but maybe it's a hope. Maybe he wants her to need him. The way he's finding he needs her ]
But first things first: let's get you out of this uniform, alright?
[ That's right, Sam is the type of person who has friends he can turn to for things like this. La'an... doesn't, not really. She has Una, but Una is family, and the other woman has a great many more people to look after now, she can't just focus on one traumatized little girl anymore. Everyone else La'an has connected with hasn't been in exactly the same way. She's making those connections, yes, but letting her guard down enough to let someone help her through trauma requires more vulnerability than she's comfortable with.
And that's okay. This isn't the first time she's been through this, after all. She survived it before and she can do it again. Alone.
And you need me. No, she doesn't. She'll be fine on her own. Needing him isn't possible, not when they're little more than acquaintances and they can't be anything else... But she can't lie to herself like that. She does need him, desperately, and she wants so badly for it to be okay to feel this way.
Nodding at his suggestion, her tearstained cheek rubs against the shoulder of his uniform before she steps back, putting much-needed and much-hated distance between them even as her hands linger on him until the last second. ] I'm going to shower. I need to get the smell of the planet off me.
[ As soon as she pulls back, he has to fight an absolutely absurd urge to collect her against him again. His hands twitch, and when she pulls away fully, he has to ball them into fists at his side to keep from reaching out to her again.
A shower makes sense--he can't imagine how it must feel, the thing built up on her skin. The blood, the sweat, the--well. He understands the urge. ]
I'll stay--if you want. [ Please want ] Be here when you get out.
[ He tries for a smile, offers it her way as encouragement as much as anything else ] Could even find you some food like the Doctor ordered. With my charm, I bet I could even get you something that isn't replicated. [ Is it obvious he's trying to drag humor out of her? Trying to diffuse the tension that's built in his limbs now that he isn't touching her, isn't able to assure himself that she's alive through the evidence of his own fingers ] The mess crew love me.
[ It takes a few seconds before her mind registers he's trying to be funny, using that charm he mentioned to lighten the mood a little. That's who James Kirk is — both versions she's met have used that ridiculous charm and silly sense of humor to get what they want in the gentlest way possible. And as it so often does, it works precisely as intended, a ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. ]
I bet they do. [ He's been on the ship less than a handful of times and he's probably already got a list of people wrapped around his finger. She looks over at the door to one side, then to the wide empty room waiting for her to properly enter it since they never made it past the entry, and she makes a decision. Being alone isn't something she's ready for yet. ]
Computer, allow James T. Kirk full door access. [ Acknowledged fills the quiet room, and she tries to give him a better smile, only manage a small improvement. Still, there's something in her chest that loosens, and something in her gaze that softens slightly as she tells him ] Some food would be great.
[ She's not wrong about the amount of people he's befriended in the short days he's been on the Enterprise. A few ensigns, the whole crew at the mess (look, he worked hard to get Uhura that rejected cookie), a couple bar tenders, some of the yeoman dazzled by being in the presence of a Starfleet officer. He plans to call in every favor he can right now--he doesn't know her favorites, but he's hoping the crew does, and he's hoping the mess crew takes care of people by feeding them.
He hesitates, because she's given him access and he knows the next step here, but getting her food also requires going. He doesn't want to leave her. ]
You going to be okay in the meantime? [ They both know the answer--how can you be okay after going through something like that, even now that you're safe, even now that you've had a touchpoint of human contact. It's not something that a hug and a cry can fix, but maybe, at least, it's a start. Maybe its stayed the tide enough they can get her a shower and food and maybe some rest ] I can see if there's someone we can bribe into room service?
[ there's probably not; all hands are on deck with the survivors, but he's not above using charm in whatever way it serves them best ]
[ She doesn't want him to leave. Even with knowing no one else but Una and the Captain have override access to her locks, she's terrified of her quarters being undefended. This is her sanctuary, and it's all she can do not to watch the corners for something preparing to pounce. But she's a grown woman and she can manage to be alone long enough to take a shower. ]
I'll be fine, Jim. [ And because fine is a rather subjective term, she offers an explanation that may help him later with Sam. ] It's easier when you have a task, even something as simple as a shower.
[ One of them has to move first, and it might as well be her, so she takes a step back, two, but then pauses, thinking of another thing that might help Sam. ] You should take something to Sam. Not to stay, just to drop off so he knows you're thinking of him. Una did that for me.
[ It's how strawberries became her comfort food. Each little bowl helped her climb out of the darkness that filled her past, showing her there was a way forward through all the pain. Una saved her life with those bowls of sweet strawberries and a dream of joining Starfleet too. ]
[ Leaving her quarters may be one of the hardest things James T Kirk has ever done. It shouldn't be. There's no reason he should be this attached to her, this entangled with her, with her emotions and her well being, but he is. He'll try to figure it out later. Right now? Right now he's going to take care of her as long as she'll let him.
So he leaves. Heads to the cafeteria and charms his way into a bowl of strawberries and a veritable stack of cookies. Both of them are as fresh as the starship is able--he wasn't wrong about a group of cooks trying to do their best to take care of their crew by feeding them properly.
The computer directs him to Sam's quarters and he presses half the cookies into his surprised brother's hands, hugs him again for longer than he should (he'll deny it, he will, but damn he's glad to have the chance) and then takes his leave. He wasn't wrong about Sam either--he catches sight of Ortegas and Uhura at the small table in his quarters before the door slides shut. And while he can't be entirely certain, he's reasonably sure the bottle they're sharing between them is an old earth vintage.
Some twenty minutes after he left her, the computer in La'an's room announces a soft 'Welcome, Lieutenant Kirk' as he's let past the door lock. The strawberries find their way onto a ledge, whats left the cookies stacked beside them.
He doesn't see her at first glance and his heart thuds heavy in his chest, stomach working its way up his throat even as he tries to rationalize that she's fine--she's in her quarters, he wasn't gone for long, he can hear noises in the bathroom ] La'an?
[ Like everything else around her, Jim doesn't mean for the emotion to cloud his voice, but it slips in anyway ] You here?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Jim draws in a breath; slow, measured, steady. Trying to get her to mimic it due to their closeness without saying the words. Trying to settle her and the panic tinging her words. It's only when she looks a little less haunted (just a little, but he'll take an incremental win right now, if he can get it) that he pulls back, holds up the dermal ]
No sedation. Just this. Promise [ he offers her a smile: it's not his usually, it's too tinged with worry to be that, but it is encouraging ] I'm following your orders right now, Lieutenant. You're in charge.
[ he's not going to do anything she doesn't want, even if he does think it'd be better for her if she rested. There's time for bossing her around later. ]
no subject
It feels strange when he pulls back, but she nods at his words, appreciating that he lays things out that way. Even the slightest bit of control over this situation is enough to keep her heartrate from rocketing back up. ]
Damn the ramparts, Lieutenant. [ It's not the correct phrase, but to this day, no one has corrected Chris whenever he uses it. There's something charming in the words, and La'an clings to them as she prepares herself for the stinging pain of skin rapidly generating and knitting together. Her shoulder is a mess, the claws leaving jagged tears, but the wounds are already exposed and ready for treatment.
And the pain is... more than she'd expected. Her stronger hand clings to the edge of the bed as he works, and her complexion pales further as she holds back her reactions to the sensations that are nearly as bad as the injury itself. But she can't show how much it hurts. She might not be their leader anymore, but the people in this room still expect her to be the strongest of them all and she will not prove them wrong. ]
no subject
There'll be time to find out the stories later, when they're not so fresh in her mind that he feels like he can see them in the fear in her eyes. Right now he needs to get her back into one piece.
The dermal regenerator begins its work, knitting together soft tissue, muscles, and finally her skin, repairing the damage until there's no outward sign of the things she's gone through, her skin refreshed and clean, repaired in a way that could deceive someone looking into thinking she's okay.
Jim knows better.
When he finally pulls back it's to look her up and down, checking for any other cuts or bruises, any more signs she might be headed toward shock ]
How's that?
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The La'an of a year ago would have balked at the thought of letting go of her hold over her emotions. The La'an of today actually learned something from the hours of therapy and accepts that sometimes letting go of your own volition is the only way to ultimately maintain that control she values so much. If she doesn't choose the time, her mind will choose it for her when it finally reaches a breaking point, and that is something she can't afford.
There are no other visible injuries, everything hidden still beneath layers of clothing, but there's nothing even remotely life-threatening. And some part of her needs for those little reminders to stay so she doesn't start to think it was all just some terrible dream.
Reaching up, her fingers gently prod the tender but now healed shoulder, and after a moment she nods. ] Thank you for your help, Jim.
[ Jim, not James. Because she needs to remember that distinction now. She's about to say something more when Joseph M'Benga appears at the bed with a hypo in one hand and an assortment of vials in the other. He looks as exhausted as she feels, but he'd made it out of their encounter with only a few scrapes and bruises himself, for which she is beyond grateful. At her questioning look at the vials, he gives a shake of his head. ]
No sedatives, just something for infection and some vitamin supplements. [ One by one, he administers each spray with near-tactical precision, and then he loads one last vial in and holds the hypo out to Jim. ] For pain, if she'll allow it. Make sure she eats something.
[ The chief medical officer is gone again before she can protest, turning his attention to yet another patient. She tries not to be irritated; she knows he means well, but there's still a slight bite to her words as she informs Jim ] I don't need that.
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Jim takes the hypo with a nod (he'll use it if she needs it--better to have it than to not) and slips it into a pocket. At her words, he raises his hands: showing they're empty, that he means no harm ]
I won't use it unless you ask [ he promises, voice sincere. Following your orders, remember ] but let's get you out of here. See if we can get you something to eat--something that's actually made and not just synthesized.
[ if you thought he was leaving you alone once he saw you were 'fixed', La'an, you don't know him very well at all ] Can you stand?
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Yes. [ It's short but not irritated, only tired. And stand she does, taking it slow so her body doesn't sway as her weight shifts and exhausted muscles strain to keep her upright. After a few moments, she feels confident enough to walk, and she manages to move toward the door without falling flat on her face. She even waits until they reach the hallway and the sickbay doors whoosh closed behind them before she turns to dismiss him. ] I can manage on my own, Jim. You should be with your brother.
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He's a fixer who hates not being able to do something tangible about a problem.
But he lets her stand on her own, partly because he values keeping all of his limbs in one piece and not taking an elbow to the gut, and partly because he thinks she might need to see for herself that she can do it. He hovers though--one hand near the small of her back, ready to catch her if she falls.
At her admonition, he cocks an eyebrow--expression asking the 'are you serious, right now?' so he doesn't have to say the words aloud. She may miss it, in the state she's in, but it's there to read if she wants to notice ] Sam's checking on the science yeomans. And his--are they experiments? Pets? I don't really know the proper terminology here.
He'll be fine without me for a few hours. [ a beat, quiet tension while he debates something before he lets his hand settle on her back fully, fingers spread wide as he looks down at her ] Let me at least get you into your quarters?
[ he swallows, and then adds: ] Please?
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This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. But that please... The way he'd stayed close while still letting her support herself... That look in his eyes. Try as she might, she can't bring herself to turn him away. ]
Alright. [ Permission granted, she takes a deep breath and turns to move down the hall to the turbolift. Her steps are slower now, though whether it's from the exhaustion or the hope he'll keep his hand on her back, she couldn't say for certain.
She doesn't speak while they walk, her only words in the turbolift to dictate where to go, and when they finally reach her quarters, she doesn't prevent him from following her inside. But when the door closes behind them and she turns to properly address him again, her gaze catches on the full-length mirror she used before every shift to check her uniform. The person staring back at her isn't one she recognizes. The torn combat uniform. The braids that anything but smooth and orderly. The empty look in her eyes. She can't turn away, and she can feel things begin to break inside of her. ]
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He doesn't press her to talk, just walks beside her, supporting what he can as he trails her to her quarters, ushers her through the door.
Jim's expecting her to try and chase him out again once the door is shut. He's already working up an argument in his head, trying to anticipate her arguments and his counters, five steps ahead--it's the only reason he can give for why he doesn't realize, at first, that something's wrong. That's she's spinning.
When she doesn't say anything the half-formed counter dies on his lips and he looks at her, really looks at her and his exhale comes out a soft curse. Broad hands come up to settle against her; one at her hip, one at her neck, framing her as much as he can as he tries to ground her back here, back on the ship, back with him ]
La'an [ He's Jim, name James, and he doesn't use her name all that often, preferring to use her rank as endearment, but he uses it now, trying to drag her out of the place she's sliding in her head. He's been there--not this time, not like this, but he's seen things too--he knows the sort of horrors that can wait in the mind. ] Hey, hey-- Look at me, okay? Look at me.
[ The hand on her neck slides down, grips her wrist and draws it up, pressing it over the left side of his chest, his own hand cupping over it and pushing down, hoping she'll be able to feel his heartbeat through the fabric ] You're okay. La'an, you're okay--
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She can feel his heartbeat beneath her hand but it does little to anchor her as the room tilts and blurs, the galaxy falling away as the damn breaks. Her free hand grabs hold of his arm as she struggles to breathe, her throat tightening in an attempt to hold back the sobs that force their way out of her. The tears burn her eyes, and her skin, and she hates that he's seeing her like this.
Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe, to stand, to remember. A knife tears through her soul and bares her pain for all the world to see, and all she can do is cling to the only witness who matters, the man who can break her with a single word and who might be the only one who can put her back together. ]
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His arms shift to wrap around her, pressing her fully against him as she sobs, as she struggles to catch her breath. She's tiny, when it comes down to it. He hasn't noticed before because she carries herself with such a confidence and presence she feels tall, but cradled against him like this he can nearly wrap himself around her. He tries it now, tucking her under his chin, holding her close as she shakes.
Jim speaks, but there's no tangible sense to the words coming out of his mouth; just murmurs of assurance, promises that he's got her, that he's not going anywhere, that's she's okay and she can let go if she wants, let it all out. That she did it, that she got them back, kept them safe, kept them alive. ]
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Time blurs again and she doesn't know whether it's minutes or hours that pass. All she knows is that, somehow, she finally knows what it's like to have the arms of James Kirk wrapped around her. If only she could properly appreciate the strength and warmth of them or the way they make her feel safe and protected. It's wrong, she knows. He didn't sign up for this. He has no reason to help her like this. But still, she doesn't push him away, not even when the sobs finally calm to little more than ragged breaths and intermittent trembles. ]
I lied. [ Her voice is rough, the syllables pulled over the broken glass of her throat, but it's the words themselves that hurt most of all. ] I lied to them.
[ She should step away, put distance between them, and keep this truth to herself. He doesn't deserve to be burdened with all her secrets. But she stays where she is, letting him hold a little more of her weight, and the confession continues. ] I told them we could all make it if they just did what I said, but I knew we wouldn't. I knew they would die. Painfully. Horribly. So afraid... I knew I couldn't save them all and I lied.
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At least right now he can be the buoy she can cling to so maybe she doesn't have to tread water quite as much.
The words are rough, her pain slicing into him and leaving his heart bleeding for her, even though he didn't see any real action on the planet. She speaks and he holds her even tighter though he didn't think it was possible--he's not sure if someone walking in right now would know where one of them started and the other one ended if not for the stark difference in the color and state of their uniforms.
But when the last word slips out he does pull away, just enough, carefully, holding both her arms at the elbows until he reaches out to tuck up her chin encouraging her to meet his eyes ] Hey, hey. Look at me. Without you every single person on that planet would have died. All of them. Sam. Ortegas. M'Benga.
You didn't save everyone--you couldn't have saved everyone, but you saved them. You saved so many people. [ he can't help it, his hand brushes over her face, wiping away the tracks of her tears, eyes meeting hers and holding them ] You did enough, La'an. You did good.
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She shouldn't tell him. No one should ever know this secret. But he holds her so gently, each touch trying to smooth the rough edges of her soul, that without her permission, her mouth opens and the words come out. ]
I would have let them die to save him.
[ It takes everything in her not to bury herself in his arms again. The temptation to wrap herself around him and never let go is so strong that she nearly takes a physical step back, his hands on her the only thing keeping her where she stands.
She didn't do enough. She couldn't. Not when only one of them might have a chance. ]
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And Sam.
M'Benga was in a different party when they started moving groups up. Sam was--Sam was right next to her. Sam was completely unharmed. Sam looked like he had a rough go of it, sure, because they all had, but--]
You kept my brother alive.
[ The words tumble out, jagged around the surprising lump in his throat. He'd panicked when he heard Sam was missing, would have done his best to tear down the galaxy between the Farragut and the Enterprise to get him back, but she's the reason his brother's still here. Still with them ] La'an--
[ she may be resisting the urge to curl into him, but he's not going to resist the urge he has to pull her back in, wrapping strong arms around her, burying his nose in the tangle of her hair, tugged half-free from her usual tidy braids ]
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Only she'd seen the look on James's face when he'd learned this Sam was still alive. That grief and hope haunted her dreams and she knows in her heart that he wouldn't have faulted her for anything she might have done to save Sam's life... Except for maybe that final step.
She doesn't deserve to be held like this, but she melts into his embrace anyway, holding on with what little strength she has left. And even though she hadn't explained to Sam, she can't not explain to Jim. ] The other you — he lost his brother. I couldn't bear for you to lose yours.
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He's got half a puzzle with a few pieces put in and no idea what picture it makes.
Sometime he'll ask her about it, when it's less raw.
She melts against him and he can't resist the urge to press a brief, fleeting kiss against the top of her head. He doesn't even know if she'll feel it, but it helps--a quiet, nonverbal thank you ]
La'an. [ There's more emotion in her name than he means there to be, realizing how close he was to losing his brother wrapped around it, with his gratitude threaded in ] I--you--
Come here. [ It's all he can say, and all he can do to tuck her even closer. How has this woman worked her way so deeply under his skin? Into his heart? Things like this are a start. ]
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Jim is solid and warm and so strong. With his arms around her, she can almost pretend that she really is okay. For just a moment, there's nothing wrong in her world — but it's dangerous to linger too long in moments like those. She can't allow her reality to fracture more than it already has. ]
He's going to need you. [ Softly, she tries to help him the way no one else on the ship can. ] To help remind him he isn't there anymore, and to understand when he can't just be his old self again.
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But he-- [ a moment's hesitation, because he doesn't want to admit it, as true as it is ] --he won't want to see me right now. He's my brother, he loves me, but when he's hurting like this--
He needs his friends.
[ It's whispered into her hair, confessed more than admitted. No, he'll make his way to Sam, help him work through whatever he needs, try to be whatever he needs, but--right now? Right now he's staying right here. Unless she throws him out herself ]
And you need me. [ probably not entirely true. Una could replace him right now. Maybe even Pike. Her friends--not a man she's only met a few times, no matter how drawn they feel to each other, but maybe it's a hope. Maybe he wants her to need him. The way he's finding he needs her ]
But first things first: let's get you out of this uniform, alright?
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And that's okay. This isn't the first time she's been through this, after all. She survived it before and she can do it again. Alone.
And you need me. No, she doesn't. She'll be fine on her own. Needing him isn't possible, not when they're little more than acquaintances and they can't be anything else... But she can't lie to herself like that. She does need him, desperately, and she wants so badly for it to be okay to feel this way.
Nodding at his suggestion, her tearstained cheek rubs against the shoulder of his uniform before she steps back, putting much-needed and much-hated distance between them even as her hands linger on him until the last second. ] I'm going to shower. I need to get the smell of the planet off me.
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A shower makes sense--he can't imagine how it must feel, the thing built up on her skin. The blood, the sweat, the--well. He understands the urge. ]
I'll stay--if you want. [ Please want ] Be here when you get out.
[ He tries for a smile, offers it her way as encouragement as much as anything else ] Could even find you some food like the Doctor ordered. With my charm, I bet I could even get you something that isn't replicated. [ Is it obvious he's trying to drag humor out of her? Trying to diffuse the tension that's built in his limbs now that he isn't touching her, isn't able to assure himself that she's alive through the evidence of his own fingers ] The mess crew love me.
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I bet they do. [ He's been on the ship less than a handful of times and he's probably already got a list of people wrapped around his finger. She looks over at the door to one side, then to the wide empty room waiting for her to properly enter it since they never made it past the entry, and she makes a decision. Being alone isn't something she's ready for yet. ]
Computer, allow James T. Kirk full door access. [ Acknowledged fills the quiet room, and she tries to give him a better smile, only manage a small improvement. Still, there's something in her chest that loosens, and something in her gaze that softens slightly as she tells him ] Some food would be great.
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He hesitates, because she's given him access and he knows the next step here, but getting her food also requires going. He doesn't want to leave her. ]
You going to be okay in the meantime? [ They both know the answer--how can you be okay after going through something like that, even now that you're safe, even now that you've had a touchpoint of human contact. It's not something that a hug and a cry can fix, but maybe, at least, it's a start. Maybe its stayed the tide enough they can get her a shower and food and maybe some rest ] I can see if there's someone we can bribe into room service?
[ there's probably not; all hands are on deck with the survivors, but he's not above using charm in whatever way it serves them best ]
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I'll be fine, Jim. [ And because fine is a rather subjective term, she offers an explanation that may help him later with Sam. ] It's easier when you have a task, even something as simple as a shower.
[ One of them has to move first, and it might as well be her, so she takes a step back, two, but then pauses, thinking of another thing that might help Sam. ] You should take something to Sam. Not to stay, just to drop off so he knows you're thinking of him. Una did that for me.
[ It's how strawberries became her comfort food. Each little bowl helped her climb out of the darkness that filled her past, showing her there was a way forward through all the pain. Una saved her life with those bowls of sweet strawberries and a dream of joining Starfleet too. ]
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So he leaves. Heads to the cafeteria and charms his way into a bowl of strawberries and a veritable stack of cookies. Both of them are as fresh as the starship is able--he wasn't wrong about a group of cooks trying to do their best to take care of their crew by feeding them properly.
The computer directs him to Sam's quarters and he presses half the cookies into his surprised brother's hands, hugs him again for longer than he should (he'll deny it, he will, but damn he's glad to have the chance) and then takes his leave. He wasn't wrong about Sam either--he catches sight of Ortegas and Uhura at the small table in his quarters before the door slides shut. And while he can't be entirely certain, he's reasonably sure the bottle they're sharing between them is an old earth vintage.
Some twenty minutes after he left her, the computer in La'an's room announces a soft 'Welcome, Lieutenant Kirk' as he's let past the door lock. The strawberries find their way onto a ledge, whats left the cookies stacked beside them.
He doesn't see her at first glance and his heart thuds heavy in his chest, stomach working its way up his throat even as he tries to rationalize that she's fine--she's in her quarters, he wasn't gone for long, he can hear noises in the bathroom ] La'an?
[ Like everything else around her, Jim doesn't mean for the emotion to cloud his voice, but it slips in anyway ] You here?
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